Yeah, and-

... with me a lot because I feel like I go out into the world...

That's actually something, when people ask me, "What's something that people don't know about you?" I get people asking me, like, "How do I get the confidence that you have?" And it's almost like I know that it's scary out there, so the way that I protect myself is I put on this, um, I guess we can call it a facade of like, "I'm confident.

I know I'm enough." But when I go home and I'm by myself, my mind starts going, I tell Amber this all the time, of just like, I'll have windows of, like, self-loathing and going like, "Do you really think you can do this? Do you really-

Mm-hmm.

It's the wounds we came into this lifetime with.

It's the wounds we're ultimately here to heal, in a lot of ways, and it may have come up in childhood a lot.

It may have, um, surfaced from, like, you literally brought it in from your previous life.

Yeah.

For my child's life.

It was exhausting, and I have a trauma bond with Ocean now.

With Sosa, it's like I just get to look at her and feel nothing but peace and excitement, and know that, like, if I go out, it doesn't matter if I'm not around her, uh, all day today 'cause I gotta work, because no one tomorrow is taking her.

It's not like, ugh, it's not my weekend.

And I'm glad I don't have to deal with you, yeah

...

I know that it sounds like the same song that I'm singing often.

... y- you guys, you and Randall, Amber and Randall were talking about working on the marriage?

It was a, a lot of back and forth for a good year, and then he, well, I'll just say this, I stepped out.

I, I went to a program to really understand w- where my life was 'cause I was having, I had two small kids and I was having a mental breakdown.

And um, and I came back and I was like, "Okay.

I, we're gonna give this a shot." That ended within, within you know like a matter of a couple weeks because it was just inevitable that we weren't supposed to be together.

I was supposed to have two kids with him, and we weren't supposed to be together at that point.

Mm-hmm

... ever since that season that I was on of Vanderpump, where, like, I don't, I don't see a lot, but people tell me things, that people are saying, you know, even in your confessionals or at the after show, like, you're defending your behavior, and now that the audience has seen it, this apology comes.

You were super calm.

I was actually very proud of myself.

And I was worried because Nia is a very private person, and I wanted her to know, like, I, I'm just simply having your back.

Sorry if I'm overstepping, but I'm probably gonna do it again, so.

And-

Yes.

And Nia said, "Oh, he's just being funny." So I, like, let it slide.

And then it was like every time I exited the room, I heard what was really happening, like, when they thought there was no audience.

Yeah.

You know? Like, and obviously it's a very nuanced situation, but, you know, the baseline is she was the wife, I was the mistress, she found a sex tape with me and her husband at the time, and that's what, that's how everything was found out and how, you know, she decided to file for divorce.

Wow.

Yeah.

Well, I mean, a lot of, a lot of messages about sobriety, a lot of messages about forg- forgiveness, because obviously just what the two of us have been through.

And then a lot of people writing in about how to conquer, like, the family court system, which is a very intense situation.

I think you obviously were being fed a different narrative and, you know, you wanna explain a little bit, like, where your perspective was because you were dating this person that, uh, wasn't being honest with you either.

Yeah, but I think had I been clear-headed, 'cause I was drinking pretty heavily once I met him.

I mean, I, and, and I'm not saying that he's the reason for my drinking, but it...

I just can pinpoint when it kinda became out of control, which is when he entered my life.

Would it have been out of control regardless? Maybe.

I guess we'll never know.

But I would've been able to put two and two together.

Yeah

Mm-hmm

... on, uh, New Year's Day, and I sat outside of my house in Palm Springs, and I just said like, "I am open to anything and everything that you wanna bring to me." I said, "There is no conversation that is too difficult to have.

There's no roadblock that I, that I can't get over and that I haven't faced before." And I said, "And I want you to know, I've, I've told you I don't want a person, and I am okay being solo, and I'm letting you know that I'm actually very open to finding my person."

Then she says, "Have you seen a f- photo of my son?" And I'm like, "Who is this person?"

Welcome to the Boys and Girls podcast.

Arranged marriage is basically a reality show, and you're auditioning for your soulmate.

And who's judging? Only your entire family.

I sacrificed myself to this ancient tradition, hoping to find love the right way, and instead, I found chaos, comedy, and a lot of cringe.

And this is where we get into some of the story that some people know and some people don't know.

Yeah, well, I feel like her story was shared.

You know, we talked about this when you guys were on our podcast about, you know, people taking control of your narrative.

Amber's story was very much hijacked by a reality TV show called Vanderpump Rules.

And...

As much as our story has so many nuances, you at some point have to just call it what it is.

She was his wife.

This is an

This is an

unbelievable story.

It is an unbelievable story.

I think that you hear a lot of people, you know, going through divorces and then each person finds their person and then they end up all liking each other.

It's very weird that the wife finds her husband... and a sex tape with me on it.

And we're the ones that end up together, not romantically, but we're the ones still standing.

And he's, you know, wherever he is.

How do you get past that? Stop doing that.

And this is where we get into the, some of the story that some people know and some people don't know.

Yeah.

Well, I feel like her story was shared.

You know, we, we talked about this when you guys were on our podcast about, you know, people taking control of your narrative.

Amber's story was very much hijacked by a reality TV show called Vanderpump rules.

And Amber, As much as our story has so many nuances, you at some point have to just call it what it is.

She was his wife.

story.

The most

Britney thing.

Having an article of your clothing break.

Oh, my God.

It happens a lot.

Yeah.

Tonight we were.

Putting you on the spot.

like my mom when you when my mom starts talking about us too she starts just getting like teary-eyed

yeah um they've given me so much purpose.

And the past two years, I've, the universe has allowed me to be there for every single moment.

So now that we're back in the mix, um, I find it very important.

I don't take time away from my kids to do things that are not necessary.

Um, I tell my friends if we want to have a girl's dinner, I would prefer that it be on a weekend that I don't have Ocean because she knows when mom's around.

She knows when mom's putting her to bed.

I mean, yeah, it's