Mm-hmm

... [laughs] put towards healing when you're going through some shit.

And so for me, I wanted it to be something that you could open to any page, and it could be useful.

Like, there's chapters from the very first day where you're, like, screaming, crying, throwing up on the floor to, like, your healed version to abandonment wounds and-

Mm-hmm.

Like all the embarrassing things I had done in other relationships to like bend myself into being someone that they liked or something that made the relationship work.

And so that one was really the hardest to write about because it was the version of myself I recognized the least.

Death, yeah.

Like, it is a, a literal grieving process.

And, um, you get addicted to a person the same way an addict can get addicted to drugs or alcohol.

And so when we are cut off from our source, our drug dealer, AKA our ex, we go through withdrawal.

And I felt crazy.

Like, breakups made me crazy.

And so putting it in that frame and understanding again, like, what the brain is doing, what the body is reacting to, I was like, "Oh, I have an addiction and I need to treat it as such during a breakup."

Mm-hmm.

Yeah

... is looking back at this with fondness and rose color- colored lenses, because of course we don't wanna think about the worst thing that's ever happened to us.

We don't wanna, especially if we share kids with this person or we created like a long relationship, like we don't wanna trash the entire thing.

So we'll do things like romanticize it, and we'll also do things like demonize it.

Like, "I can't believe they were like this, like they never loved me." And then that kind of like poo-poos the entire relationship experience that you had too.

But when we do the opposite, which is we, uh, embrace the person, we even maybe l- blame ourselves a little bit, I think we do that because breakup h- is basically creating like a blank slate for us in our life, right? Like it's a great time for reinvention.

Like it's a great time to start over, to get rid of all like, clear the cobwebs.

[laughs]

So my question is, how do you tell the difference between heartbreak, which is, as we know, supposed to hurt, and a mental health struggle that maybe deserves additional support?

I love that you ask this because if you haven't heard of my first book and you suffer from any of those things, definitely check it out.

It's called Don't Fucking Panic, and I, uh, again, wrote it from a place where, like, this was the book I wish I had when I was 17, experiencing my first, like, this panic attack for the first time or my first depressive episode.

And something I teach in that book that I bring back in this one is talking about state versus trait.

And a state is just a, a state that you're in.

The circumstances have caused this emotion to rise up and you to act this way.

You're going through a breakup.

I wanna hear your, your thoughts.

Tell me how being dumped s- in so many incredible ways, how has that, um, shaped your approach to relationships?

Yeah, I mean, here's what I realized, and the whole reason why I wanted to write the book, is I have been m- an internet creator for 15-plus years, and I was always known as the strong, independent woman, feminist, took no sh-, sex positive.

Behind the, the screen, behind closed doors, any time a relationship would end, I would fall apart.

I would either, you know, completely cut off contact, go cold turkey, run away from the situation, or I would th- think I was going crazy with the way I was acting.

Like, the repeating texting, the crying, the why.

And it was happening so often that it got to a point where even I recognized, like, this is not normal or healthy that this keeps happening, that my life keeps falling apart only after relationships end.

So the way that I have lived my life online and, uh, in my work is I like to be sort of the conduit of information.

Mm-hmm.

So the mess, tell me how being dumped in so many incredible ways, how has that shaped your approach to relationships?

Yeah, I mean, here's what I realized and the whole reason why I wanted to write the book is I have been an Internet creator for 15 plus years.

And I was always known as the strong, independent woman, feminist, took no sex positive behind the screen, behind closed doors.

Anytime a relationship would end, I would fall apart forever.

I would either, you know, completely cut off contact, go cold turkey, run away from the situation, or I would think I was going crazy with the way I was acting.

Like, the repeating texting, the crying, the why.

And it was happening so often that it got to a point where even I recognized, like, this is not normal or healthy, that this keeps happening, that my life keeps falling apart only after relationships end.

Can you break that down for people who've never heard that concept before, including moi?

So the mess, tell me how being dumped in so many incredible ways, how has that shaped your approach to relationships?

Yeah, I mean, here's what I realized.

And the whole reason why I wanted to write the book is I have been an internet creator for 15 plus years.

And I was always known as the strong, independent woman, feminist, took no sex positive behind the screen, behind closed doors.

Anytime a relationship would end, I would fall apart.

I would either, you know, completely cut off contact, go cold turkey, run away from the situation, or I would think I was going crazy with the way I was acting.

Like, the repeating texting, the crying, the why, and...

Can you break that down for people who've never heard that concept before, including moi?

Tell me how being dumped s- in so many incredible ways, how has that, um, shaped your approach to relationships?

Yeah, I mean, here's what I realized, and the whole reason why I wanted to write the book, is I have been m- an internet creator for 15-plus years, and I was always known as the strong, independent woman, feminist, took no sh- , sex positive.

Behind the, the screen, behind closed doors, any time a relationship would end, I would fall apart.

I would either, you know, completely cut off contact, go cold turkey, run away from the situation, or I would th- think I was going crazy with the way I was acting.

Like, the repeating texting, the crying, the why.

And it was happening so often that it got to a point where even I recognized, like, this is not normal or healthy that this keeps happening, that my life keeps falling apart only after relationships end.

So the way that I have lived my life online and, uh, in my work is I like to be sort of the conduit of information.

Mm-hmm.

Tell me how being dumped s- in so many incredible ways, how has that, um, shaped your approach to relationships?

Yeah, I mean, here's what I realized, and the whole reason why I wanted to write the book, is I have been m- an internet creator for 15-plus years, and I was always known as the strong, independent woman, feminist, took no sh- , sex positive.

Behind the, the screen, behind closed doors, any time a relationship would end, I would fall apart.

I would either, you know, completely cut off contact, go cold turkey, run away from the situation, or I would th- think I was going crazy with the way I was acting.

Like, the repeating texting, the crying, the why, and it was happening so often that it got to a point where even I recognized, like, this is not normal or healthy, that this keeps happening, that my life keeps falling apart only after relationships end.

So the way that I have lived my life online and, uh, in my work is I like to be sort of the conduit of information.

I was like, if I can go something horrible and talk about it honestly to my followers and, like, help one person, then I can sleep well at night, and I did that with my first book about mental health and anxiety and panic attacks.

Mm-hmm.

So the mess, tell me how being dumped in so many incredible ways, how has that shaped your approach to relationships?

Yeah, I mean, here's what I realized.

And the whole reason why I wanted to write the book is I have been an internet creator for 15 plus years.

And I was always known as the strong, independent woman, feminist, took no sex positive behind the screen, behind closed doors.

Anytime a relationship would end, I would fall apart.

I would either, you know, completely cut off contact, go cold turkey, run away from the situation, or I would think I was going crazy with the way I was acting.

Like the repeating texting, the crying, the why.

Can you break that down for people who've never heard that concept before, including moi?

Mm

...

I turned into a different human, and for X, Y, Z reasons, like why that would charge for me, you know, is different for everybody.

Like what triggers that in us, abandonment wound, attachment style, blah, blah, blah, upbringing.

But the chemical is the same that's hap- the reaction's the same that's happening in everybody, which is that you are getting a hit of something, of stability, of love, of this drug.

It is n- your dealer has disappeared off the face of the planet, will no longer pick up your calls, will not sell to you anymore, and you have no idea how to get your fix, and you are depleted.

Dopamine withdrew.

How has it changed your outlook now on commitment and being in a long-term relationship?