And that a far more, I suppose, difficult issue to tackle within families is denial.

I agree with that.

I think, you know, and I'm listening to your vox pop and to Regina there as well.

I think this is a really important message that was poorly executed.

And you know, that can happen in a 24, 25 second video when you're trying to cover something big in a short space of time.

I think the message at the core of that video is worthy of discussion and exploration.

I found myself, Colin, becoming an amateur little video producer over the course of today, watching and listening to this and thinking there was a missed opportunity here where the child at the center of the video is giving very strong nonverbal cues.

Could this ad have had the effect to maybe have a chilling effect on that for people to step back and go, look, if in doubt, leave it out and become more removed from their grandchildren?

Will she grow out of her habit of lying or should I be worried?

It's not a habit, you know, just to kind of nip that.

And look, you've heard me say this before, Sean.

I think learning how to tell a lie is a developmental task, just as learning how to tell the truth is.

And there's all kinds of different lies.

You know, we are very generous to ourselves as grownups when we permit ourselves to tell a variety of lies.

And we say, well, that's a good lie.

Yeah.

Will she grow out of her habit of lying or should I be worried?

It's not a habit, you know, just to kind of nip that.

And look, you've heard me say this before, Sean.

I think learning how to tell a lie is a developmental task, just as learning how to tell the truth is.

And there's all kinds of different lies.

You know, we are very generous to ourselves as grown-ups when we permit ourselves to tell a variety of lies.

And we say, well, that's a good lie.

I'm not sure if that is the truth or a

Please join me in giving her a warm welcome.

Dominique did ask me to talk a bit about resilience.

And I am going to do that.

But I'm going to bring us on a bit of a journey because the reality is resilience is a journey.

And it's a journey throughout the trajectory of our lives.

And it's not like this light switch that we can say, there you go now.

They're resilient.

Very good report.

it, has it changed that much, or am I helicopter parenting?

I think maybe it's a little from column A and a little from column B, [laughs] because I think we are all collectively more hypervigilant around what our children are doing and where they are.

And do you know what I pin it down to is how m- and if we're honest, and I'm sure a lot of your listeners can relate to this, how much we track our children.

You know, we can track them on their phones.

We know where they are and who they're with, and I think, you know, I was only speaking with somebody about this recently.

Tracking does not provide reassurance.

It drives anxiety.

And while I had the conversation with him, and he's taking it in, it's like, how do I know he's actually able to now do what I'm trying to teach him to do? You know, how do you know, okay, I think they are ready with the tools I'm trying to give them?

We

actually had something like this recently enough.

And I think sometimes that often brings up other questions similar.

These are younger children this time, though, I'm noticing that we're talking about.

Now, just very quickly, I just note this parent's observation that his three-year-old speech doesn't seem as clear as other children and making that correlation interesting.

Is it the dodie? It could be, Sean.

It also might not be.

Yeah,

Would you recommend going cold turkey and getting rid of them completely? Or is it better to start by only allowing them at bedtime and gradually phasing them out? How long did it take for your little ones to adjust? Any tips would be really appreciated, but that's how long is a piece of string? We

actually had something like this recently enough.

And I think sometimes that often brings up other questions similar.

These are younger children this time, though, I'm noticing that we're talking about.

Now, just very quickly, I just note this parent's observation that his three-year-old speech doesn't seem as clear as other children and making that correlation interesting.

Is it the dodie? It could be, Sean.

It also might not be.

yeah Because

It's dual messaging and it's hard to manage, isn't it?

It is absolutely.

And I read Niamh's piece with interest, you know, and I have a child in a similar age group as well.

So I could understand and relate to a lot of it.

But children can struggle to understand why you have two sets of conflicting rules about the same thing.

You know, in early years, that can be why can I run around at home eating my toast? But in a restaurant, I have to sit still.

And then as they get older, we're talking about why can't I use a screen screen? at home or for play, but I can use it in school and it feels playful.

Do Is that not where the research is taking us now?

Mm

... and they're already doing it.

Do, don't be afraid to ring up those waiting lists and primary care and update them on the risk factors that your child has now, is escalating during these meltdowns, is running away, and that you're, you have a safety concern.

And just to say that you would take a cancellation appointment, that you could get there at short notice if that's possible, but try to make that possible, just so to see can the, you, can you be seen any sooner.

W- d- waiting lists are waiting lists, I understand that, but also there is, you know, a sort of urgency and prioritization that might be factored in, uh, particularly if safety's there.

I just think, look at, th- that is the best thing you can do and that you're doing it and the waiting.

So anything else I'm gonna say, again, it's try it out, see does it work, and you're really just trying to fill the g- the gap or that bridge, that piece between being seen.

Mm

Mm

... could give, and they're already doing it.

Do, don't be afraid to ring up those waiting lists and primary care and update them on the risk factors that your child has now, is escalating during these meltdowns, is running away, and that you're, you have a safety concern.

And just to say that you would take a cancellation appointment, that you could get there at short notice if that's possible, but try to make that possible just so to see can you, can you be seen any sooner.

W- waiting lists are waiting lists, I understand that, but also there is, you know, a sort of urgency and prioritization that might be factored in, uh, particularly if safety's there.

I just think, look at, th- that is the best thing you can do and that you're doing it and the waiting.

So anything else I'm gonna say, again, it's try it out, see does it work, and you're really just trying to fill the g- the gap or that bridge, that piece between being seen.

Mm

That's

OK, because that's very realistic and it gets everyone to say, well, I had fun.

I know I'm not the best at it, but it was so much fun to play together.

You're modelling what you're trying to teach him.

And he gets to do that through repetition.

And I would, you know, if you really need to, this would be my kind of...

Plan C, but introduce practicing some friendship scripts.

Yeah, yeah.

That's

okay, because that's very realistic.

And it gets everyone to say, well, I had fun.

I know I'm not the best at it, but it was so much fun to play together.

You're modeling what you're trying to teach him.

And he gets to do that through repetition.

And I would, you know, if you really need to, this would be my kind of...

Yeah.

Yeah

... to feel all of the feelings.

Don't be trying to, "Oh, have my right to feel this way.

Am I wrong?" Just feel how you're feeling.

Everything is okay eight weeks postpartum.

And, you know, then what I'm gonna tell you is it's likely your toddler feels...

Now this is different 'cause I'm hearing this parent say, "Look, yes, I have this baby, but actually I'm managing, and I do have plenty of time with my toddler." But it's still likely that your toddler feels that you're more preoccupied than you were.

[laughs]

Yeah

... to feel all of the feelings.

Don't be trying to, "Have my right to feel this way? Am I wrong?" Just feel how you're feeling.

Everything is okay eight weeks postpartum.

And, you know, then what I'm gonna tell you is it's likely your toddler feels...

Now this is different, 'cause I'm hearing this parent say, "Look, yes, I have this baby, but actually I'm managing, and I do have plenty of time with my toddler." But it's still likely that your toddler feels that you're more preoccupied than you were.

[laughs]

But they're not doing it with any intent to hurt or cause offense, but it will feel that.

Is it standard in schools now what they will get or can that vary from school to school?

It's going to vary child to child because you could have three, four children with the diagnosis of dyslexia, but their needs are going to vary within that diagnosis.

So her report will outline in quite a bit of detail what specific supports she will benefit from.

It depends on when you get those reports in and if allocation of resource hours has already been assigned for the year and then the school will have to be...

Or try to be somewhat flexible around ensuring she gets resource support.

But they may have to apply for those hours again.

I mean, at least they know this now.

The kids are actually doing

Is it standard in schools now what they will get or can that vary from school to school?

It's going to vary child to child because you could have three, four children with the diagnosis of dyslexia, but their needs are going to vary within that diagnosis.

So her report will outline in quite a bit of detail what specific supports she will benefit from.

It depends on when you get those reports in and if allocation of resource hours has already been assigned for the year and then the school will have to be Or try to be somewhat flexible around ensuring she gets resource support.

But they may have to apply for those hours again.

I mean, at least they know this now.

And the important thing, and I think what this parent is asking is, does she need to know? Yes.

I think I

Yeah, I

mean, I know TY programmes do have more structure now, but at the same time, it's not as demanding and he's just come out of an exam year, so he's probably given himself permission to take the foot off the gas.

But something you said there about late to bed, late to get up, the disrupted sleep pattern would also account for a flat affect, low energy.

being moody during the day I mean I'm certainly no good if I don't get a night's sleep but a teenager who needs sleep they absolutely it's not just good for them they need it I would say to have a look at that I'm always a fan as well of not just dismissing everything a teenager presents with as hormones or it's teenage if they're suddenly very apathetic and flat and low energy get a blood test make sure the iron levels are okay make sure there is nothing else going on before we decide that's teenage behaviour.

If there is a sudden, abrupt, otherwise unexplained change in behaviour, if this kid was previously all hugs and kisses and absolutely open book and chatting away and suddenly you've this massive change, then I would ask a question around, has something happened? Look within the home, look within school environment or peers, look personally for him, what might be going on.

But if this has been gradually coming, it's likely typical adolescence, But I would like to rule out there's nothing going on to attribute otherwise to that low energy stuff.

Would appreciate some advice.

Yeah, that's a really interesting one because, you know, during adolescence, you can really see a lot of them grapple with the concept of entitlement.

Mm-hmm.

And then it's, you transfer that onto, "I don't know what to wear, and I don't know what to eat, and I don't know what, who's gonna be there." And it ends up ruining something that they're actually looking forward to, and as a parent that you're going, "I know you're going to love this.

I just have to get you there." And it does affect the whole family.

So these kinds of what this parent is describing in, in the longer letter is really meltdowns really speak to this internal, emotional, even sensory overwhelm that's going on for this kid.

And I think it must be incredibly stressful because, you know, the mention of sudden changes, what that really...

For a lot of us, you go, "Well, look, change is part of life.

Kids have to learn strategies to deal with that." And there's a lot of truth in that, but if you're a child who has what this psychologist is telling them is OCD-type behaviors but also this identified perfectionism, a sudden change is an abrupt loss of control, and that's a really big impact on a nervous system that runs a little high and tends to be that activated, mobilized level of operation all the time.

Mm.

Mm.

And then it's, you transfer that onto, "I don't know what to wear, and I don't know what to eat, and I don't know what, who's gonna be there." And it ends up ruining something that they're actually looking forward to, and as a parent that you're going, "I know you're going to love this.

I just have to get you there." And it does affect the whole family.

So these kinds of what this parent is describing in, in the longer letter is really meltdowns really speak to this internal, emotional, even sensory overwhelm that's going on for this kid, and I think it must be incredibly stressful because, you know, the mention of sudden changes, what that really...

For a lot of us, you go, "Well, look, change is part of life.

Kids have to learn strategies to deal with that," and there's a lot of truth in that, but if you're a child who has what this psychologist is telling them is OCD-type behaviors, but also this identified perfectionism, a sudden change is an abrupt loss of control, and that's a really big impact on a nervous system that runs a little high and tends to be that activated, mobilized level of operation all the time.

So I think there's a lot here that this young girl, she's still only 13, does need and deserve supports with this, professional supports, I mean.

Mm.

Yeah.

And that really comes across in this letter.

There is loving control, but there is control here.

The fact that she can't do any laundry at the college entry age is probably now something that we don't go, she's not able, but she has not been enabled to do that.

Now, I think you still have a little bit of time.

First of all, I want to say well done to them getting accommodation in Dublin.

I think a lot of people are going to want to know how you manage that, you know, so you've done really well.

And I think you were going to get a bit

Yeah.

And that really comes across in this letter.

There is loving control, but there is control here.

The fact that she can't do any laundry at the college entry age is probably now something that we don't go, she's not able, but she has not been enabled to do that.

Now, I think you still have a little bit of time.

First of all, I want to say well done to them getting accommodation in Dublin.

I think a lot of people are going to want to know how you manage that, you know, so you've done really well.

And I think you were going to get a bit

Yeah

... it'll be more structured and challenging and the stimulation level.

But I also think, and I, I am hearing in this letter that you've, you've given this a go, I would keep rethinking your childcare structure.

Because a long day in one setting like this for this amount of time, it's not suiting her, and if you could split it, ev- and I know how hard it is to get childcare, so I'm only putting this out for you to think about.

But if you could split it that she starts her day and does her preschool hours, and then somebody collects her and brings her to her own home and her afternoon is in her own home with her own stuff and she can do her own thing, I think you'd have a happier-

Sure

... to handle situations for themselves as best they can in the moment.

They'll reflect on it with you later.

for that

play space.

He also may be a kid who's a little conflict averse and just doesn't want to get into a conflict, doesn't want it to be an issue and is actually going, I don't care enough.

I'm actually happy to hand it over.

Pick your battles with this.

I wouldn't intervene.

I know it was well-intentioned, but I wouldn't intervene and say, hey, strange kid, that's not okay on his behalf.

It gives

If we can't blame social media, Joanna, will we blame the parents? We're always looking for someone to blame, Kate.

You know, everyone has a role in this.

And I think it is something, it comes up so often in my work as well, because I've met very young children with very high perfectionistic tendencies.

And what I look at first and foremost is exactly what you were saying, where is it coming from? So if we've got young people and anyone listening, if you are one or if you're living with someone, you'll recognize these differences.

Self-oriented perfectionism is when we're holding ourselves to very often impossibly high, unrealistic standards.

Other-oriented perfectionism is when we might be holding other people around us, our parents, society at large, peers, other people we're in relationship with, we might hold them to impossibly high standards.

And then, as I've already mentioned, you have that more socially prescribed perfectionism is when we're looking at society's expectations, either ours of society or what we perceive society expecting of us.

Or should they be watching out for signs in their young children as regards to these traits of perfectionism?

Mm-hmm.

That's part of being an active member of a family, and I don't think you should be paid for every chore that you do.

I think then you can link pocket money, because you're teaching value of money and that money is earned, that you can link that to the over and above.

You could have a l- set two chores that they do as part of being in the family, and you could have a list of optional extra chores that they can choose to do to earn money.

Okay

... responsibility and educating them.

However, in this letter, it's not just about whether these kids should have chores and money, it's are these parents parenting on the same page, and the importance of getting on the same page.

And when I read about, you know, in the longer letter, that this, the dad is doing a different thing to the, to the, the, the other parent writing in to us because he grew up in a really strict, rigid household-