Mm

... that is a, that is an old way of, uh, you know, uh, mitigating an outburst because of time passing.

And remember, these surges of angry emotion peak and pass every time if you allow them to.

But if you fuel them with thoughts of, like, injustice, and it's not fair and-

Yeah

... uh, you know, anger.

Um, but yeah, I've just definitely noticed a rise in men attending for support with, with anger.

And, and again, I just...

Mm

... that is a, that is an old way of, uh, you know, uh, mitigating an outburst because of time passing.

And remember, these surges of angry emotion peak and pass every time if you allow them to.

But if you fuel them with thoughts of, like, injustice and it's not fair and-

Yeah

... uh, you know, um, anger.

Um, but yeah, I've just definitely noticed a rise in men attending for support with, with anger and, and again, I just, it's very hopeful.

I, and I, I also can hear and see the culture changing, um, you know, with men in general, with groups and so many-

Are you doing something different at that time? What does it actually look like in real life?

Well, I want to stay focused and talk about these habits and patterns, but I do want to also take the opportunity to say that I've deliberately developed a product that has helped me with this and it's a botanical inhaler called Clarity and I've used this to interrupt that habit loop.

So I have it on my little TV table and I pick it up.

It's also a visual cue now because I know that it's me being aware.

It is a barrier, one step between me and the cupboard, one step between me and the fridge or whatever it is and it is creating a space for me to be intentional about Habits are automated.

We're not being intentional.

We all know what it's like when we're observing ourselves, eating or doing the drinking.

Jo, at what point does a pattern become something that deserves a bit more support than we can actually give ourselves?

I mean, kids can be pretty resilient, can't they?

Very.

Yeah.

And again, I think the clarity if...

The most important thing is to encourage children, particularly young children, to feel welcome to ask questions at any time about what's happening because the nature of relationships has changed.

So whilst it might be combative one day, they might be close in a year's time.

We don't want to lock into a particular narrative or sentiment.

No,

Right.

So we just need to, yeah, first of all, make a decision that we acknowledge that it's a problem and then decide to start interrupting that decision pattern or habit as it occurs and you do that by just taking a big breath in, noticing it first and allowing, really expanding your tolerance for that urge in the body and the mind to really just peak and then pass as it will every time.

I really do because you say to yourself, I'll do that tomorrow thing and then tomorrow becomes the next day, the next week, the next month, the next year.

That's right.

And, you know, the interesting thing about procrastination is it's the perception of the discomfort that we may feel if we do the thing.

But ultimately, again, we're just avoiding discomfort.

So I think alongside disempowering a habit, we are also increasing our tolerance for discomfort.

What's this doing to our, say, our nervous system, to our ability to rationalise, our ability to actually think clearly?

Well, it's a really great question and you've hit the nail on the head with the nervous system piece.

What it is doing is really keeping us switched on.

We're just always overstimulating ourselves or continuing to stimulate ourselves with these devices.

And it's really making it difficult for us to sit idly.

I'm really a big believer in learning to tolerate idleness, to tolerate stillness.

because we have become not very good at that.

Do I really want to know this? Do I really care? Why are people telling me they're away from home, for instance?

What's this doing to our, say, our nervous system, to our ability to rationalise, our ability to actually think clearly? Yeah.

Well, it's a really great question and you've hit the nail on the head with the nervous system piece.

What it is doing is really keeping us switched on.

We're just always overstimulating ourselves or continuing to stimulate ourselves with these devices.

And it's really making it difficult for us to sit idly.

I'm really a big believer in learning to tolerate idleness, to tolerate stillness.

because we have become not very good at that.

Do I really want to know this? Do I really care? Why are people telling me they're away from home, for instance?

What are your tips to, uh, couples for a long-term relationship?

Well, I think it's really important to be aware of the three modes that relationships typically move in and out of and, and, um, they are face-to-face, so connected time, one-on-one, where, uh, you know, affection and closeness, conversations and intimacy occur.

... how many, how many end up staying together?

Well, it's an interesting question because as therapists, we don't really know the answer to that.

But what I can say is that I've been working with couples for 10 years, approximately, around that time, and I've still got couples coming back, like at least eight years on.

So that tells me that our work together has helped them, you know, find a way forward.

And I just think that, that it's about continuing to tweak your own reaction so that it makes it more satisfying.