Why are you so passionate about this?

this?That's a great question.

I think because of what I'd lived, when I got divorced, you know, the business went away.

My, the ex-husband ended up with it.

There was just so much loss in that space, and I went through this divorce hangover, if you will.

And but it was the best thing because once everybody left, my kids went their separate way, their ways, the ex left, and then there was nobody else for, for me to take care of, so I had to s- force myself to stop abandoning myself because there was nobody left.

If there was anybody left to take care of, I would've focused on that.

But let's say someone doesn't have any idea what we're talking about.

Are we giving chemistry too much credit? Well,

yes and no.

I think if you know you're familiar and you know what your chemistry is and you've worked on yourself, and what's good what you're used to is now what is aligned with you what I call chemistry redefined then that's fine that's great go with your chemistry but if you haven't done that yet then yes you need to not be so interested in your chemistry and be interested in what's good for you all right so what does compatibility actually look like it looks like it's not even the way that anything to do with a relationship it's really the way that you show up in the world that you are you give you value yourself and you give your time and your energy to everybody i would say the people that you're giving your love and your energy to you're really giving of yourself to them and that you know the people that you need to love from afar and the people that you love up close and you but you put yourself first and you fill your own cup and and then you give your overflow to to the

What does it mean to become the chooser? The chooser is when...

The chooser is when you know that you're in charge, like we're always choosing.

So sometimes you're choosing to do everything for everybody.

Or if you're choosing not to choose, you're still choosing.

I'm saying to choose consciously and saying, I am bringing into my universe, my space, my simulation, my experience, the things that I, whatever I'm radiating back, the universe is bringing that right back to me.

How can someone begin rebuilding that trust? What? How can I begin to rebuild that trust?

That self-trust? Well, first of all, know your familiar.

Know your pattern.

I realize that this thing revving up is just a pattern.

It's just something that I'm used to doing.

It's like you ski down the same slope every day on the mountain.

That's all it is.

how can people apply that idea? Is there a practical way Or what did you do to start

Why do you think being irresistibly attracted to that exact people, the wrong partners, they dream?

Because their subconscious is doing the picking.

So they literally might as well get a six-year-old off the street and say, find me a mate, because that's what they're doing.

They're letting their inner child pick for them.

And they're not picking from, they're not pausing.

I have a system called pause p-a-u-s am i choosing from my pattern or is this really a person that's for me am i choosing from my alignment what's good for me or is this what i've been attached to like is this coming from fear where is this coming from is this coming from a wound you or my wholeness is this person seeing me as a whole person am i coming as a whole person and is what You know, is this up to my standard? Or what am I serving here by doing this? So these are questions we should ask ourselves before we get into a relationship to say, what is really going on here?

What is chemistry actually doing to our judgment? How do we prioritize compatibility instead?

I have an ABA method.

We're talking today about building extraordinary relationships, and before we get into where people struggle and why people don't build relationships that are extraordinary, I'd love for you to share a little bit of your own journey to doing this work and why this is so important to you.

Okay.

Well, I started as a marital therapist, and then I, all switched to working with my ex-husband and doing consultative, uh, working with the best and brightest in healthcare doing executive coaching.

And in that process we used a personality assessment, which I thought was excellent.

It really got into the underbelly of who people were.

Um, but I was always more interested in their personal life, like their marriage, what's going on at home.

So after I left that business, um, I decided to marry these two, no pun intended, things, and created this process that I have using personality assessment and building healthy, helping people build healthy relationships.

So what, what would that look like?

So how do you push back against the power of attachment? There are women who are beaten and they stay with that person because of how sprayed, how strongly they actually feel about this.

No, I mean, honestly, what helped me a lot was that I had, I became friends with someone who was healthy and that I will recommend to go out into the world and find somebody who's the healthiest person that you can find, whether it's a volunteer, a mentor, a teacher, Somebody in your life that really has great healthy relationships that you can see, spend time with them and start to go, oh, wow, like, I'll give you an example.

So if I was seven minutes late before I would be like, I would get yelled at.

So I would be all on eggshells.

Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.

And then I would meet my friend and I would be five minutes late and they would say, It's fine.

I just hung out.

Could you talk about that in some way?

So you're going to have to break that down.

Okay, so imagine there's two, like an aisle with two velvet ropes.

And if you're in the middle of the two ropes, that's where I would manage emotionally people in my life.

So I see you, but you're not the closest to me that, you know, in terms of giving my power over to you and then the way that I manage my life, whether it's my time, my emotions, things like that.

So if you run in the middle, you know, I'm waiting to see which way, which rope you're going to, which going to go closest to me and, you know, or you're going to go on the side of both ropes.

And once you get on the side of both ropes, then I may sit next to you.

You may be a family member that I just don't care for.

So is that kind of the three areas that you're talking about?

This compatibility assessment that you have, how many questions does that entail? Are they, like, behavioral questions, or what kind of questions, for example?

Yeah.

It, it's a, uh, behavioral questions and ask them about what their values are, and it predicts their behavior, um, what they're like, their tendencies are when they get stressed and fatigued, how they're, how they are wired, basically, on a regular basis without anybody bothering them.

It takes about 45 minutes, and they get a nice report or a sheet, and then I give them my notes on what exactly is going on with them, and they say, "Oh, yeah, that is me.

That is me.

That is me." And then I spend time, and I work, and I make an, the perfect avatar- For them.

So they know exactly, pretty much line by line, like, what th- what their, how, you know, neurotic or calm do they want the person to be, how well do they want them to say things, to be nice with them or just be a straight shooter and not worry about, and not have a filter.

How, can you explain that a little bit?

I mean, I don't know if anybody else is coming along after this person."

Exactly.

And, and they would rather that than be alone because that's where the self-love comes.

That's where you gotta go in to say, "I'm sacrificing myself.

I'm putting myself on a shelf.

I'm making myself smaller." It's the opposite of expanding, which is what you really wanna be doing.

If a relationship's not expansive, it's not aligned with you.

So what can you tell listeners who have a friend or a daughter or a sister maybe who's in an abusive or toxic relationship? What can you tell those people who are watching this playing out and are suffering because their friend is caught up in this?