People say you need to, you know, on any show that it's great cin-

Just a couple months ago.

Um, living the dream.

Yeah.

Thank you.

Woo.

Uh, yeah, I couldn't do the corporate life anymore.

I'm gonna add you to the rotation.

Make some noise for the return of Jack Shaw, everybody.

Los Angeles.

Oh, my God.

Man, uh, my girlfriend and I did mushrooms together pretty recently, you know? Oh, you guys like mush- I fucking hated it.

I had a horrible time.

She was having a great time.

I started panicking, and she tried to calm me down, but the only thing I remember her saying to me was, "You're freaking me out." [laughs] Although there's another thing I remember too.

[laughs]

[laughs] What is it? [laughs]

[laughs] Well, I, I, I remember learning about it in school, and the one that stuck out to me is that it...

So it was like Hammurabi, um, was a, a, an o- an OG leader, I think Mesopotamia or Babylon or something of that old sort.

And he had a code, which was a list of rules, Hammurabi's code.

And one of the rules was that if you, uh, hurt, if you, if you hurt your neighbor's property, they have to similarly hurt you in the same way, I think.

There's something about how if, like, if you, if, if you stumbled onto their property, then they had to, like, beat you with a piece of their property.

Yeah.

Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na.

[laughs]

No, we're very anxious people.

We can be obsessive.

But I realize the number one difference between autism and Judaism is that Jews don't like trains.

[laughs]

Okay, I'm trying.

Uh, all right.

Okay, this one, this one sucks.

It's Jack Shaw.

Ever since getting on this show, I have never been called autistic more in my entire life.

And When I say autistic, they're saying retarded a lot.

And when I say they, I mean my dad.

This guy, he won't stop saying it.

I'm just Jewish, man.

I'm just fucking...

He said it, not me, by the way.

[upbeat music] [audience cheering]

[audience cheering]Someone DM'd me and they said, "Fuck you.

Fuck the Jews.

I don't support bombing hospitals." And I was like, "Yo, that's not me.

I'm not doing that.

I have no part in that.

If I did have a drone, I'd bomb the homeless people."

[laughs]

go.

Someone DM'd me and they said, fuck you, fuck the Jews, I don't support bombing hospitals.

And I was like, no, that's not me.

I'm not doing that.

I have no part in that.

If I did have a drone, I'd bomb the homeless people.

I mean, talk about making unwanted settlements.

You thought it was going to go better, huh? I

[cheers] [applause]

And, and, and that should be illegal.

Uh, no one should ever have road head, ever.

It's the most dangerous thing that's ever happened to me.

And if you think texting and driving is dangerous, uh, try getting your dick sucked, um, while, while driving.

Uh, it is horrifying.

And, um, w- and if you ever are offering someone road head, uh, don't offer them road head, um, uh, because, uh, we can't say no to that.

[laughs]

[laughs]

I was like, "Fuck yeah, Dad, good job."

job."I like trans people, dude.

I get it.

I want a new dick too, man.

I-

[laughs]

I hate my dick, dude.

[cheering] [upbeat music]

Hey, guys.

Uh, I'm very happy.

I just got an acting manager.

I've always wanted to be an actor, and, uh, I don't love the types of auditions that they're sending me out for.

[laughs]

... turns out I did well, 'cause I got a callback for that role, and it was down to me and a guy named Trevor, who was, like, severely autistic.

And somehow I got the part, guys.

[laughs]

Oh, man, I love being Jewish in Texas, guys.

I'm exotic here, dude.

I am.

I've been making shit up, dude.

I've been telling people we still eat babies.

I'm having a good time, man.

[laughs]

[cheering]

All right, guys.

Man, I've been working on standing up for myself because I went to performing arts school, I drive a fucking Fiat, and I was recently told that I look like what a white girl transitions to.

[laughs]

This made this man so mad, I swear to you this happened, he took out pantomime finger guns and shot me.

Pew.

And I pantomimed caught the bullet in my teeth.

Ah! Don't pantomime with me, bitch, I went to performing art school.