Do you feel like the world has come around to you at this point? Or is it still working its way?

Let me tell you something, Kenny.

The world is constantly in flux, right? The only constant thing is change.

And there have been times where I felt very in, and then there have been times where I felt very out.

But I will say this, when I started doing television, I used to...

Okay, I had this agent who sent me out one time.

And she...

Just in hearing that statement, Damona, what's going through your brain?

It was a wake-up call.

No.

I did it, though, because I had been in that place in my life before where I felt like I had subscribed to the fairy tale, and I was like, "Why is it not happening? What's wrong with me?" Where I'm, I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing or what, you know, the, the rom-coms and fairy tales said.

I'm a princess waiting to be discovered, [laughs] and it's, it's not working.

And so I actually started out originally...

Okay, this is wild.

I was not always a dating and relationship coach.

Be mysterious or, you know, don't call them, et cetera.

But, like, you don't know what that other person is going through.

Right.

And it's important to really parse out what is your stuff and what is their stuff.

They have their own.

Their own list.

Commitment issues.

Commitment issues.

Because

So it seems like it just didn't work out.

Yeah.

And, like, read the room.

That is not your person.

This is what really gets me, Riley.

Like, why do we put so much effort into trying to demystify something that is absolutely obvious?

Usually they say, like, "I, 24 feet..." You know what I mean? At the beginning.

I also find that sometimes people w- with queer friends will kind of just assume that all of their queer friends should just hook up with one another.

Mm

... our relationship.

And I think that was also because...

Here's an important thing to note about fairytales.

Sometimes people think that the fairytales are only about the women's role, and that women are the only ones susceptible to this narrative, and that's absolutely untrue.

Uh, there are so many, probably even more narratives that men have to grapple with, and I think we're seeing a lot of this now as men are trying to figure out, like, how, well, how do I pursue without coming on too strong? And if I wanna be a collaborative partner, does that make me look weak? Or if I wanna be, you know, a stay-at-home parent, what does that mean for my, my role in the world? And there's a lot of mixed messages that I think are coming at men.

And one of the reasons that we...

Mm-hmm.

Yeah

... going a particular way.

And this is why I hear all the time from my Dates and Mates listeners like, "How do you know?" Like, "I've been dating with...

dating someone.

They are great on paper, but I don't know." And the rom-coms give us this idea that there is a moment where he's chasing you through traffic or, you know, where the fairy godmother anoints us, and we're like, "Oh, we know." And there's no, there's no sparkles.

There's no f- there's no confetti.

But when you have done all of the work that you talk about all the time on this show, when you do the, the work and when you are really clear on who you are, what you have to offer in a relationship, because it is a two-way street, it is reciprocal, and then what you want, it's so much easier to tell than just like, "I'm gonna, I'm gonna make a profile.

That's why, I'll be honest, all the questions I ask, how can I emotionally detach from someone who gave mixed signals? What do you think?

What's a piece of advice that you would give to just start learning that skill set?

It is first important for you to put the container around your dating experience.

So I'll tell you a story of a client I had who midlife, very successful in her job, worked a ton of hours, and I said to her, "Okay, to bring in the relationship that you want, we need to create space for this.

So, I need you to commit to three hours a week that you are saving for dating-related activities." And she was like, (gasps) "Damona, three hours? I don't have that." And I'm like, "You have 60 hours for work.

You have clearly at least three hours to exercise.

There's time for your dog.

If this is the most important relationship of the future in your life, then how can you not commit e- three hours a week to it?" And she was like, "But sometimes my boss calls.

"... am I in trouble?" I'm like, "No, no, I just like to talk." (laughs)

And before we go, we're gonna leave you with this week's answer to the Make Me Smart question, which is: What is something you thought you knew but later found out you were wrong about? And so Valentine's Day is coming up, so this week's answer comes from the host of one of the podcasts that I love listening to, uh, Damona Hoffman who is a certified dating coach and host of the Dates & Mates podcast.

I thought I knew that dating apps were the solution to my clients' frustrations around finding love and connection. I thought they were more efficient, I thought that they expanded our dating pools across culture, location, and economic lines. And they do! But I was wrong about them creating connection. And as social media grew up alongside dating apps, people started using them for social validation rather than true connection. Ultimately, on Valentine's Day and every day, deep relationships are really what we want and love is still one of our primary needs and drivers of human behavior. So whatever your relationship status, I hope you have a lot of love in your life this Valentine's Day.