Can you speak a little bit to that?

Absolutely.

And as an anxious attachment style coach, I deal with codependency all the time because it's actually one of six core experiences that I identify in my book, Needy No More: The Journey from Anxious to Secure Attachment.

So there's trauma, abandonment, codependency, nervous system dysregulation, addiction, and stress.

And they all go into the experience of anxious attachment.

Now, losing yourself in dating, that is squarely in codependency territory.

In fact, in the book and throughout my work, I define codependency as the loss of self in order to build and/or maintain relationships with others.

[chuckles]

This is where our attachment styles, based on our experiences as adults, not being chosen by this wishy-washy dating, the way that dating has become, and what is the combination of that meeting the childhood trauma, right?

Yeah, it's always both.

But I think something to identify here, Kate, that you did and that I want to name for folks so they can do it for themselves too, you chose yourself.

You chose yourself.

Your now husband chose you because he identified in you someone who had chosen themselves.

That's how you start to attract people who are actually good for you.

I saw a video the other day that said something along the lines of high standards are never a bad thing.

yeah.

I've heard you speak a lot about this I'm wondering what why do you think that is and why do you think specifically for gay men? Like this is a pairing that that is exciting on some level

When an anxious and an avoidant pair up, it's like the best Taylor Swift love song.

It's sparks fly.

You feel enchanted.

It is deeply intense.

It is physical.

I mean, there's sparks everywhere.

And I'm wondering if you could share a little bit about like, what does the process to healing actually look like for someone who's more anxiously attached?