I mean, come

on.

Pull up that picture with the thigh right there.

I mean, what are we doing here, babe? This one? You know? You don't like a little something like that? Yeah.

Go down a little bit.

Click out of that one.

I mean, come on.

I said, it's for the

They

just have no fear, period.

Period, yeah.

What about when Travis Pastrana jumped out of the fucking plane with no parachute and then caught the parachute in midair and put it on? What? Yeah.

He jumped out.

He jumped.

They threw the parachute out.

Chris DiStefano.

One

time, I remember an ex-girlfriend I had, her dad took me to that bar, right? One day, I'm hanging out with his daughter, and he goes, hey, Chris, I'm going to go over to McKay's.

Why don't you take a ride with me? So I was like, okay.

So we go to a bar, and he says to me, he says, look.

He goes, I hear you having sex with my daughter in my house upstairs.

I was in college, you know, all of our parents.

He was like, you gotta stop having, I don't want you to have sex with her in my house.

With horsey sauce?

[laughs]

...

this was 2005 maybe.

There was a place in Long Beach, Long Island called Paddy Magee's that all me and my f- you know, Queens idiot friends used to go to.

And every, all of a sudden, this kid, who's a cop now, fucking big, huge kid, a massive brawl starts to go.

And I see my friend throw somebody over the railing into the water.

This place was in the Long Beach- Geez ... on the water, throws this person into the water.

[laughs]

[laughs]

I'm telling you, Giannis always tells me, Giannis has this thing where he's like, "The thing about our lives as, you know, podcasters and doing stand-up is it's such a dream, it's such a g- that you have to tell yourself, you have to convince yourself that you don't have any of these real problems that you think you have.

You're just literally getting paid to make people laugh, and it should become, like, almost effortless to you." He was like, "So don't get in your head like this and that." Like, he, he thinks it's even better than being an athlete because, like, athlete you got your body, you're on the road all the time.

He was like, "Us, it's like you're using your mind.

It's different."

Do you think you have it in you to fuck two girls nice?

And that's, uh, uh, my nickname in, back in Queens, is because there was this big tournament, this big three-on-three tournament called the Tommy Ashton Tournament at, at St. Sebastian's in Woodside, and you would play on the side courts, like it was a big tournament, and then if you got the championship, you played on the main court in front of everyone.

And I was lights out on the side court.

You're the weak

link.

Yeah, dude.

That's the way to do it.

Yeah, no, seriously.

I'm by far the worst.

But, yeah, the cast so far surrounding the female Diane is, like, fantastic.

the fuck? I

you're wearing this

Knicks jersey.

Why? Are you a Knicks fan? I'm a diehard New York Knicks fan.

This is a Jeremy Lin jersey because I figured I'm going to support.

That's it.

Go ahead.

Jeremy Lin because I'm going to support Chinese players because I'm on Chinese peptides.

about when someone does this, do you do the thing? Yeah, I just

Yes.

I do.

I got a newfound respect for your community.

You guys really take it, and I douched a couple times.

My asshole's squeaky clean right now.

Matteo taught me how to do it, and you guys are the real men.

Why? Are you, are you a Knicks fan?

I'm a diehard New York Knicks fan.

I think you'd be surpri-prised.

Abacani Fight Club.

Fight Club.

Fight Club.

Mm, kid's got a piece on him.

Piece on him.

Couple one, two cutie pies.

How was last night?

That's how I learned.

So it's no judgment on people who do wanna drink.

It just wasn't for us.

I d- you know, and it's a nice place.

I'm 41, and I find...

I used to...

I still was suffering from peer pressure, like the, like at the Met.

You gotta hate your gut

And I'll look at

atRight.

W- nice piece, 'cause my job was to restock the towels, but then sometimes I'd jump out of the ice cooler when they were naked.

Are you done with that?

Comedy Central, I'm doing the sec- I, uh, I'm doing the second hour special.

We're gonna film it in June in Chicago.

And then, and then, uh, and then I have a, a animation show, uh, in development.

And I...

You want a mer- memorable Christmas for your kids.

Like, the best, like, the best recent gift that w- uh, my kids have ever gotten from us, and my older daughter actually said this, when we m- Jazz and I went to Italy, like, just her and I-... a little, like, vacation, whatever.

Three days, we went.

And when we got, came back, we brought home pasta from Sicily.

(laughs) Yeah.

She, she already did.

She literally...

We wanted to get her an Apple Watch.

Vic Henley.

Yep.

Chef Carl, Ruiz.

Damn, sucks.

But, you know, rest in peace.

But they, um ...

But Jim, dude, he s- uh, this bit, him and Anthony Cumia did this bit the other day that, oh, my ...

Mm.

Up next is Christy Stefano.

When, the first time I did it at your mom's house live, and when Tom and Christina showed me a man getting shit into his eyelids, is when I subscribed to the channel.

So I know Stavy.

It was one, you know, one man's treasure...

One man's trash is another man's treasure.

And I gotta be honest, also one of my favorite moments is when I, uh, came on there and I talked about my love for the transgender woman in baby reindeer.

Um, we had such a great moment, and I felt so listened to and included.

She won't judge you.

Yeah.

And it was...

That was...

That 4:30 show, I was, uh, happy to all the people who came, tickets were nice, but, I mean, what a disaster to do a show at 4:30 in Atlantic City, spinning off nicotine.

Good.

I was calling my...

Yeah.

I was calling my, I was calling my little, uh, bunkbusters.

(clapping)

All right.

Yeah.

There we go.

I got...

No, seriously, that was, uh, I was nervous on that one.

That was a controversial subject, so I wanna get to something a little lighter.

(laughs)

Okay, Chris, will you take our next story, please? Sure.

Next up, has anyone ever failed their driver's test and felt like you're stuck in the passenger seat of life? Well, People Magazine, my fave, reports that Uber has your back and is giving out free rides for any teenager who fails their driver's test.

In an effort to take some of the pressure off both the teens and the parents, the ride share company is offering one month free for those who didn't pass the test.

I like it.

What are your thoughts? Well, I think it's great.

Right? It's awesome.

By the way, Chris, will you tell us about your amazing new special on Hulu?

Okay, I got a special, thank you.

You do kinda look German.

There was a guy who my grandpa... My grandpa, who's American, fought with the Americans in World War II. My grandpa would always have coffee with our neighbor across the street. Great guy, whatever. And he would say they're war buddies. And then he died, my grandpa died, and then... Uh, his name was Charles. And I remember asking my mom like years later, "Remember Charles, Grandpa, you know, Pops and Ch-" We used to call my grandpa Pops. "Pops and Charles or whatever?" And she's like, "Yes," like in, "What a beautiful story are those two, huh?" You know? And I was like, "Yeah, I mean, it's great. War buddies. Did they fight in like the same platoon?" She was like, "What do you mean?" I was like, like, "What do you mean like beautiful st- Like, I... They met at the war, right?" And she was like, "Kind of." And I was like, "What do you mean? Where did they meet?" And she was like, "Honey, Charles was a Nazi." (laughs) And I was like, "What?" She was like, "Yeah, he, he came here. He fought with the German Army and he just lived here."

College bros.

... to hear from a young kid be like, "Whoa." Here's how I knew it was shifting. Last year, okay, I did a show on a fucking USS aircraft carrier, 5,000 people, okay, on, in the USS air- aircraft carrier in San Diego. The government booked me, right? So I do this show and they tell me, "Do not, do not even speak about," it was President Biden, "Do not speak about President Biden. Do not, obviously, disparage America. Don't even say anything about, like, anti-America's enemies. Just do your comedy." I was like, "Great." So I'm doing my comedy, the microphone breaks, okay? No mic. 5,000 people outside in San Diego on the water on a fucking aircraft carrier with these kids about to go... These are, like, the first wave of the arm-... They'll go to war, these kids.

Me too

... and it's freed me from a lot of s- stuff online, is I don't care about anyone's opinion, good or bad, unless I personally know you or I've met you.

Like, if you told me, Bo- Chris, what you said hurt me, I would genuinely apologize to you, but a random fan online, if they tell me I'm doing great or doing bad, I don't let it affect me either way.

Hey, yeah.

No, we said, uh, he said, and he, this is very accurate of him, he said, "You know, all that looking online for the comments, all that comparison stuff, it's a form of self-hate.

You hate yourself, and so you're looking f- to be, you're looking for it to be justified by the comments.

You want to say, 'Oh, Chris sucks.' You're looking for it because you think you suck.

But if you're positive, you come from a positive place, you don't go looking for it." So I think you, at times, Bobby, you know, I need therapy, you need this, you need that, but you're in a much more positive place than you think.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I rem- I remember the very first time I met Bobby, we, uh, met on the Opie & Anthony show, and he was very nice to me, and he sat down and took me out, um, right after the Opie & Anthony show and talked to me about comedy and how this is a really hard, uh, venture to do and, and congratulations for getting into and all, and, and all this serious talk when just moments before, I'm talking about maybe 15 minutes before, he was eating bull dick on Opie & Anthony.

I don't remember.

So I forgot what his name was, but anyway, he has this trick where it's like, you know, like a magical card trick or whatever, and then, like, you're, like, blown away, and then he, like, points over there, and the card was, like, on the wall outside the studio.

That sucks.

But what is, what do we think? Because obviously, you know, the, the guys, that happens a lot, the Sanduskys of the world, the, these, the Fogliettas, whatever.

But, like, women, they, women teachers have sex with the s- male students.

Like, it's rampant, and they get caught all the time.

But if you ta- if you, all you have to do, I encourage you at home, go home and just ask, like, three or four people if they know someone, and they all know someone- Yeah ... who maybe they haven't, the woman hasn't gotten arrested, but they know.

Like, I know in high school my friend banged the teacher.

It was confirmed it happened.

They can get really nasty.