Dads are making

attempts to help.

Well done, dads.

I have done at least four out of the six, maybe five.

I've definitely done the first four where it's like you make play dates, you help them be a friend, that kind of thing.

I think the thing that I don't like is the social media portion of things.

I think I've been a little bit, like one of the things that I hate most is, is when I go to a public place and I see a group of people together and they're all on their phones.

So

It's important to talk about.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, I think it reminds me of there was an NFL player played for the Miami Dolphins for a number of years named Rob Conrad.

And a couple of years back, I mean, it might have even been 10 years ago, he took his fishing boat out alone about 10 miles offshore off the coast of Miami.

And He had his boat trolling, kind of doing a kind of a slow troll.

And a fish started to pull on the line just as a wave hit his boat and knocked him overboard without a life vest.

Well, I like that because a lot of people, when they start to think purpose, they

there are a lot of

days i do think we need to celebrate the win so for all those dads out there who i i think you ought to think through this moment too and and i my son uh works as a life card um he tends to have very long hours where he's kind of confined to this space and And he had just had his braces adjusted, which is, that's just a very painful day.

And there's a limited amount that he can eat.

And I was working out at the Y where he's a lifeguard.

And I got done and I went down to see him and I said, hey, did you bring any food for dinner? Because he was going to be there for a long time.

And uh and he said he said no he goes we really didn't have anything i said well do you want me to go run and get you you know some fast food hamburger or whatever and he and he's like no i can't really eat that because it just kind of gets stuck and it hurts and all this stuff and he and it hurts my gums and so I said, okay.

And I sort of told him, I'm like, okay, well, I'm really sorry.

And,

As we dive into that, you know, what do we need to do to help our kids become self-starters?

Yeah, I think one of the things that right off the bat is they need some semblance of control.

They need to make their own decisions.

They need... their responsibility.

They need responsibility kind of for taking care of themselves.

Age appropriate, of course.

But like, you know, I think back on this and I kind of think, yeah, my wife and I were talking about this the other day.

That's good.

guys big question of the week are we raising a generation of gamblers a new study from common sense media found that 36 percent of boys ages 11 to 17 have gambled in the past year that's more than one in three boys gambling is now woven in so much of everything society the video games and social media and sports and the internet and now the predictions market has become a big thing Do you guys think we're looking at a bigger problem?

The stat you just cited, I mean, it was 36%.

When you isolate that for just 17-year-old boys, it's like almost 50%.

So it's a massive thing that has been increasing over and over again among our kids.

And when I think back to, I think back to gambling, like when I was a kid, you had to go to casinos and there were only selected besides the state of Oklahoma.

I mean, it was like, you go to Vegas and you go to Atlantic City, that's where you'd find a casino.

Right.

Yeah.

not your subject? Yeah,

math is not, I'm not great in math.

But, you know, there were times when I just couldn't get it.

And I would look and it just looked like a different language.

And I would look around the room and my classmates got it and would be off and running.

And I just felt lost, like I couldn't overcome.

Even in college, I had to withdraw from a stat class because I was just...

It's a challenge I'm going to have to eventually go after.

And it's so important, especially from our dads.

Yeah.

That's something that you really can't fake.

Like you can't fake it.

Kids pick up on it.

They sense, they know kind of this person's not really doesn't enjoy being around me.

And I think my parents did that.

Do your kids know that you like them? Not do you love them, not do you provide, but do they know that you like them?

Well, I punched him in the jaw and yeah, no, no, I did realize going, Hey, what are you doing? So what about you guys? What does bedtime look like at your home right now?

You know, it was interesting.

I was thinking about this this past week.

I mean, my kids are teenagers now, so it looks different.

But when they were younger, it was very much, you know, like bathe, you know, kind of...

Let's get pajamas on and let's read a book.

We would maybe spend some time, you know, in like a nighttime prayer.

So I don't know who is right, maybe both of us, but I think it's just those stages and phases of what's good for bedtime right now.

Helping them figure it out.

I mean, it's a, it's a total...

There's a disregard of evidence sometimes that goes on with being dogmatic.

It's just no matter what, no matter what's presented to me, I'm completely closed off.

I don't wanna hear it.

Um, and there's kind of a harshness that I think kinda comes with that.

So we wanna make sure that we're not harsh.

Mm-hmm.

Mm.

They're really focused on partying.

They're really focused on their buddies, but not focused at all on, like, some of the bigger things that are going on, and that's a symptom of not thinking a- about the world around you much m- more than what you see.

And I saw another article, uh, earlier this year that really bummed me out.

It, it was about this looks maxing trend.

We've talked about this before.

It was a young man, 15 years old, and he had fallen into the, uh, you know, cycle of just taking steroids all the time just to bulk up, get big and strong for girls.

So to help them think it critically, we got to show them that the world is big.

things like boredom waiting and struggle can build resilience and character and why dads sometimes need to resist the urge to rescue their kids from every hard moment i'm joined by bj foster and bobby lewis and we're talking about some of the surprising things that are actually good for kids even when they're difficult in the moment if you've ever struggled with watching your child go through something really hard this conversation is for you let's get into it did you guys ever have something difficult in your life that Now that you're looking back, you're really grateful

that it happened.

Yeah, I think getting fired is probably one of the most painful things that I've ever experienced.

I was a financial advisor for three years and my son was one and my daughter was on the way.

And to make matters worse, my wife was on bed rest at the time.

And when she doesn't work, she doesn't earn anything.

So we lost her salary and everything.

So boredom, I think, is a really sometimes painful, but good thing for kids.

yeah well i took

facebook and instagram off my phone good job i'm making steps but uh but it's it it is that subtle it's sort of that subtle abandonment kind of a thing you know there's there's there's a little bit in there like where we're we have the opportunity to be present and we're not present and we're there physically and we're not, but you know, like, so when we get distracted on our phones or you know, maybe we just want to check out and there are times, there are times to check out, but, but you know, or like getting drunk or that kind of thing.

Like I've, I've talked about on this podcast, my dad was a drinker and he, you know, he was very functional and he was very engaged with me, but there was a period, you know, when I was in middle school, when it was, it was, you know, like bare minimum, he just wasn't engaged.

Like he could have been like, I really needed him to be during that time, you know, very formative years and becoming a man.

And yeah, Um, and I think I needed him more than, than he was present for.

And so that, that's one of the things too, that, you know, I get to, again, I'm not putting myself above him.

I'm distracted by plenty of other things like phones and stuff.

So we just want to be good

So words, ah,

there's so many of them and they're so powerful.

Right.

Well, I think a good place to start is, okay, what, what are the things that, you know, let's start with what we shouldn't say.

Um, what are those phrases? And I think one of the first ones that I can think of is why can't you be more like one of your other siblings or why can't you be more like this person? Uh, Like I get it, our kids are different and they have different struggles and you're just sort of thinking, oh my gosh, why it's so much easier with this kid over here.

Like I get it.

But these kinds of comments, there's nothing positive about it.

Oh yeah,

It'll give you all sorts of extra things you didn't ask for, you know?

Yeah, I you know, the whole intern CEO illustration, that is a that is a perfect analogy for this whole thing.

I worked in I worked on Capitol Hill for six months before I couldn't stand it anymore.

And and and one of the things that shocked me was how much.

20 early young 20 somethings and interns are like running the country.

Like they're a lot of times they're writing the things or I'll never forget watching Senator Strom Thurmond at age 94 at a committee hearing and watching like a young guy hand him things and he could barely, I mean, it almost looked like, are you putting a mirror under his nose to make sure he's still breathing? Like he just kept, he kept feeding stuff in front of him and he kept feeding questions.

And it was like, you know, Senator, Professor Cahill, do you, you know, and I'm like, he wouldn't even be able to function if it weren't for this intern behind him.

But if it's if advice is a great thing for us to get, then, you know, where should we get it? What do you think, guys? Where should we get our advice? Well,

failure sometimes when they're making a big deal about it I'm like no no it's not a big deal stop it and so that's my flaw on this many flaws but that's one of my flaws on this and handling their failures me just trying to talk them out of being sad about it

I always worry when they fail um You know, it's, I try to have a sense of humor about it.

And I try to treat it like, look, this is not the end of the world.

You know, we're going to grow from this, that kind of thing.

But there are, I do get concerned, boy.

there's a line from the movie Invincible with Mark Wahlberg where his dad is just kind of like, there's almost so much, there's only so much failure a man can take, you know? And so that kind of thing gets into me a little bit and where I hope that their failure is not a self-esteem hit.

And the biggest concern that I would have is that it becomes an identity, like not I failed, but I'm a failure, right? That's what I am.

How do you know this is a time for humor and this is not a time for humor? Like, what's your gauge on that?

So controlling, even though sometimes we call it parenting, is really not a great strategy.

I mean, I don't know about you guys.

I think the hard thing for me is like when I saw disobedience, I felt like it needed to be like squashed immediately.

But, and I'm like, okay, I need to get my kids to a good place.

You know, I need to get them past this.

I need...

And I need to teach them.

Well, I mean, I'm

One that I hadn't thought about, but my wife brought up was potential gun access in homes and then pressure to, you know, try drugs, try alcohol, that sort of stuff.

There are a lot of commonly reported studies that would say that, and this is something to consider wholeheartedly, particularly when we're starting to think about, well, but I only let them go to places where I really know the parents.

I really know the family and all of that stuff.

But 90% of child sexual abuse happens by someone the child knows, right? Not a stranger.

It'd be trusted friends and relatives.

So, I mean, you could be at your brother's sister's house with all of their kids and you kind of think that they're safe.

And yeah.

Boy, I just feel like, and this is just my personal opinion, I think we've got to be really discerning about it.

When you were in high school, middle school, did you struggle with anxiety?

Uh, at times.

I mean, you know, you're always gonna have a, a little bit of anxiety at least.

Um, for me it was grades and relational tension whenever I was experiencing difficulty in that.

When I was a junior in high school, I had a horrific kind of year academically.

Um, I played soccer.

I broke my foot early, like, I think it was the second game of the season, and was, I think, down, depressed, you know, because it...

I'm trying to pay the mortgage." Bottom line, you guys, and you know this, we, we've gotta be there for them in the middle of their anxiety.

Mm

...

these were chosen, and, um, but it's not necessarily about kind of these words.

It's a little bit more like when you're speaking them at somebody to devalue, to dehumanize, to put somebody down.

You know, we, we, we don't want to offend people.

Uh, um, like in our house, in our house, our kids have never gotten in trouble for swearing or saying curse words.

Um, I, quite frankly, there are times, like we, we have, we have talked to our kids about you wanna use the right word, and I do think in our society, um, uh, we get a little bit lazy, and we downshift and throw in curse words almost as filler.

So that's worth checking out.

Yeah

... and keep being fun." Like, I, I think the, I think one of the things that I look back on and think, boy, I think I did that well, is you have, you have parents sometimes who don't know the answers or haven't quite worked things out in their head or, uh, and feel like they need to have all the answers.

And to model for our kids and to kind of put out there when you don't have it all together or you haven't arrived at a position or you're not sure what, what it is, I think communicates a lot to a kid.

Like, when you, when you're just real about that, like, "Yeah, I don't know what I think about that," or, "Boy, I go back and forth," or, "Hey, um, I don't know what the answer is to that, but why don't we sit and think about it for a little bit?" Or, "I don't know, uh, what I think.

What do you think about that?" Um, I think all of that communicates to our kids like it's okay not to have it all together.

Like the, like particularly this generation who kind of feels like they need to have, have it perfect and have everything together, and y- because they're filmed so much, I think, you know, wh- when, when y- you look at everything that's documented so much on social media and all that-

Yeah, yeah.

Um, and then the, uh, so, so be real, keep being real and fun, and, um, and then the second one would be keep apologizing when you fail.

Yeah, okay.

Well, it's not all...

I know a lot of the times we read these and the rites of passage are for young men.

Um, but there are a lot of groups ar- around the world who do rites of passage for young women as well, and there's one group, uh, called the Inuit, uh, people, and they do facial tattoos for young women.

So they will give them a decorative, beautiful, uh, you know, markings that they'll have on their face, their cheeks, their forehead, and this will mark the, you know, graduation into womanhood in this particular part of the world.

So a lot of interesting rites of passage that you don't necessarily have to copy in your house if you don't want to, but they're cool to think about.

goodSo what should rites of passage, what should it require? I think, you know, to Kendall's point, it should require some level of courage.

Mm-hmm.

Ooh.

We can, we can have the intentions that we're gonna help out, that we're gonna step in, that we're gonna do all these things, but if we don't take the initiative to jump in there, if we don't take the initiative to, um, to, to come alongside of her, then it's a marital form of passenger parenting where we sort of sit back, um, wait for the game to kind of come to us rather than, rather than inserting in there.

And we wanna make sure that it is a partnership.

Um, initiative...

And that's what initiative is.

Initiative is partnership.

It's not control.

Yeah.

[laughs]

Um, so like, like when my kids were two and three, it was like k- I was just sharing about potty training because that's all we were doing.

Later on, it, it was, it was just kinda conversations, funny things that they would say.

Um, but then eventually I just kinda stopped doing it because my...

Like, around age 10, my kids became, they became more aware of people responding to them, and, and not, not necessarily on- online responding to them, but they became aware of people responding to the things that they would do in public, and, and their own sense of embarrassment, um, became more of a real thing.

So I mean, uh, uh, oh, uh, very occasionally, like, I will share something, but I'll, I'll...

I tend to try to ask permission from them if I can.

And that, that story that Corey told me really made me think about, you know, what is our motivation here, you know?

Yep.

Yeah, I think mine is, I think mine is similar to your, to yours, Ted.

I...

Like, I think it's a subtle hijack wh- where I dismiss whatever painful thing that they're, that they're going through or talking about.

Brene Brown calls it putting a sil- Uh, we feel this pressure to put a silver lining on it or a need to put a silver line on everything.

Like, "Oh, it's not that bad.

You'll be great.

Don't throw fuel on the fire.