... that say, like, "Yeah, man, I j- I just could feel that I was this, I was losing control." But others just, they just keep doing it, and they don't realize it.

Mm-hmm.

I would say most definitely I could feel I was spiraling.

Just, I'd wake up, and the only thing I could think about, like, just had class during the day, but all I could think about was just getting back to the night so I could drink till I didn't feel anything anymore.

Just 'cause, uh, I was in so much, like, internal pain from the point I had to retire from football, and every day, it just, the tension would build to, like, even higher levels, and I didn't know how else to deal with it besides just to escape it.

I didn't know how to turn toward it.

I was never taught that.

Obviously, you're wearing traditional, uh, garb today, and I think, I think, just from an outsider's perspective looking in, that's what really then kind of set you on this path that you are now.

Oh,

my goodness.

Is there a story? I mean, I sort of came from nowhere and sort of a very chaotic childhood.

Like I said, the writing group was the spine of my life.

I had terrible grades in high school due to family chaos and everything, but I fought my way forward through writing.

And when I got to NYU, so I had this strange skill set of trying to work around institutions to make things work.

So I got to NYU, and they gave me a week to find an apartment in an unfamiliar city, and I had a $50 traveler's check.

Do you have an excerpt from your book? Yes.