Mm.

So how do you honor the queen in you, and honor who men are and how they're naturally put together, and how do you bring those two together? So we call it The Queen's Code.

It's the secret code of men, and it's a code of honor for yourself.

And, um, the, The Queen's Code book we published about four years ago, and it's being read in over 70 countries and, and women can start there, and you can get that at understandmen.com. And The Queen's Code workshop is now available 24/7 in what we call on demand.

So we recorded a live workshop, premiered it with webinar jam sessions, have edited it all together to make the most out of people's time and energy to transform their relationship with men and understand how they're thinking, how they're speaking, how they're listening, what's the adjustment to make to get what you need from them.

We elaborate on this business of expectations and the worth it calculation and what inspires men, and bring it all together so that what you need the most, the men around you are inspired to provide and keep providing and even get better and better at providing it, and then start inventing new ways to provide it.

So the curriculum is five workshops all together, because we take the fundamentals, which show up in The Queen's Code, and then we apply them to different areas.

Mm-hmm.

I'm not trying to... um and i know you're not you know we're not like trying to put blame this is not that this is awareness no it's awareness it's awareness okay i'm gonna calm down so allison can keep going because this is so

well and that's what's so important because women take too much on themselves when when we're asking gosh what's wrong with me That he doesn't love me enough to do what I've asked him to do without a reminder.

If he loved me enough, I wouldn't have to remind him to take out the trash.

For example, if he loved me enough, if he wanted to spend time with me, I wouldn't have to ask for the dates with my own husband.

I wouldn't have to pick the restaurant.

There's all these things that we think if they... felt the right way about us, they would act the right way toward us.

And the right way is defined by what we would do.

No.

Mm-hmm.

Y- that's like, that's like saying We can go into the playground, but only if we go on the swings.

You wanna play? Mm.

We can communicate.

My questions.

My preference.

You're gonna answer my questions.

They don't need it.

I'd love to hear.

Well, okay.

I would assert it starts at 21 days of d- gestation when the gender chromosomes are activated and a l- a m- male embryo is flooded with testosterone, will be born with as much testosterone in his bloodstream as a full-grown man, and it begins configuring everything, his bones, his organs, and his brain.

And same thing happens to females, only it's estrogen which does exactly the same thing, only testosterone and estrogen configure brains very differently.

And the testosterone-soaked brain is built for focus, and focus is commitment.

And it also took me a long time to learn this, focus is also peace.

Focus is a peaceful state.

Yes.

Okay.

Um, and, um, so the other one, let's talk about expectations 'cause that's ...

It's wicked.

[laughs] Um, so you can tell something is an expectation because the word should will be involved.

Um, there's a sense of entitlement, like, "I've already done everything I should have had to do in order to get this from you, and it should already happen.

I've already earned it.

What the heck?" [laughs] Everybody knows this.

Preferences, expectations, next?

How many women really want to understand men? And vice versa, how many men want to understand women? You have a topic in mind, and take it away, Alison Armstrong.

Uh, well, thank you for having me here.

I'm really excited, and I apologize.

It was on me.

I missed the first season ever in, as long as we've been doing seasons.

So I'm sorry.

People are like, "Where's the winter season?" That was me and about four hundred inches of snow.

Wow

What do men, in your view, actually want? What do men actually want?

They want their lives to matter.

They, they're aware, they're profoundly aware they could die any minute, any minute, any day, for any reason.

Um, the ever presence of death, it's one of the biggest differences between men and women.

They have the ever presence of death.

We have the ever presence of life.

And, and w- they want their living to matter, and they want their dying to matter.

What else do you think that women should try to develop in them- in their own hearts for their relationships with their husbands, of course, or other men, w- men in their life, but also to tap into and develop their queenliness?

but for people who may not be familiar, I thought it might be helpful for us to kind of name some of these subterranean, but that are much more terranean these days, uh, acceptable ways that women speak of men and talk about men, and kind of where you and I might have, uh, converged or diverged there.

Hmm.

Oh, boy.

Um, it's interesting that you said subterranean.

Um, Joan McClain, who's the co-founder of our company, we were talking about this just a couple weeks ago, how when we began our workshops in 1995, I had started studying men in 1991, um, that emasculating men, disempowering men, taking them out, taking them down, was more like a cancer that people didn't know what was wrecking or preventing the relationships that they wanted.

They didn't know what it was.

And, and so we would bring their awareness to it [laughs] that when you try to get what you need by criticizing, you're diminishing someone who wants to provide for you, and the only way it changes them is wanting to keep their distance, right? And different things like this.

Hmm

What was the relationship that forced you to rethink how men and women actually work?

Ah.

Um, it wasn't a single one.

It was the recognition of all the mangled bodies in my wake [laughs] that was just-Like a, a flash when Herb called her a frog farmer.

And, and the-- and that's what had me s- start studying men, right? So what if men are responding to women? But then, and you're right actually, Tim, six months into studying men, the only woman I knew whose life I envied called me on the carpet for, uh, to use the C-word.

She didn't say emasculate.

And she called me on the carpet.

What convinced you those patterns were real?