Yeah.

It's been nearly like, there comes a point to think sometimes it can be one big thing that can be a huge blowout or it's just been a succession of the same pattern repeating again and again.

And I find sometimes when there is very kind of high dysfunctionality within kind of a family system, what can happen is you can tell And I think that's always quite a sign.

So you might notice that similar behavior will be there at birthdays, Christmas, the big events.

And when you know how people are going to behave beforehand, as in behaving in a way that actually isn't healthy and destructive and abusive.

And when we think of abuse, like it's it's.

it's on so many different levels.

else... has done to you then you also have to think about the person on the other side so while you might have been hurt by your family if you're talking about and you're airing it you know your family member might be seeing this and might be reading maybe the hurtful and the nasty comments that are coming in about that and then with the whole online thing as well do you think our understanding of what makes family relationships unhealthy has changed yes

... that you carry."

It is very real, though, right? So the mental load, if you think about it, is like what you were saying, whether you're just as a woman, you perhaps are the one who organizes the friends' night out, or you remember the birthdays, or you buy the presents, or you, say you're in a family, you know which yogurt this child likes and which pasta brand that child likes, and it's the dentist dates, it's the medical, it's the school, it's- All of those things that actually are q- are very visible in your WhatsApp and email box, but actually they're, they're not necessarily seen in a kind of, I don't know-

[laughs]

But, like, I think, I think the busyness, what it does is it never gives our brain to actually go into that kind of default mode where we actually think about other things.

So it's like even when you're doing, say you're doing exercise, and a thought comes into your brain, or you're having a shower, and something else pops into your brain.

That type of default mode thinking is really lovely, where your brain kind of pulls things together.

Same as when you sleep.

Like, our brains are so active when we actually sleep, but actually giving ourself that space during the day, and I think we're not.

What can we do to, to help us, I suppose, curb the guilt then?

Number one, acknowledge that I, I think, recognize where the guilt is coming from.

Do you feel guilty because you have to work? And again, it's that kind of compare and compete part that I think, say you're looking online and everyone, like the one that drives me most mental is you've only 18 summers left, making memories, and I really, it, it, it balks me so much because it makes people feel guilty because it's a real privilege, like nowadays, for anybody to kind of have at l- like one person who isn't working, say, in that kind of family situation.

Um, so I think it's, you've got to actually stand back and go, "Hang on a second.

I'm the adult here, and the child has these expectations of what we should be doing, and they're looking at all this YouTube crap, and everyone's gazillionaires." And-

How can they help people?

So the B&B is my idea that you come stay in my B&B.

My, my B&B is boring and basic, okay? Because everybody knows these things.

Mm-hmm

... and that feels really good, but for another family, that might feel like an absolute nightmare.

So just, again, I always think bring it back to the couple themselves.

You know, how do you actually want it to be, and what you're doing is you're kind of looking at both of your families and looking at the things that they do well and the things that you'd like to change and be a l- somewhat different in, in, in your new r- you know, marriage.

Um, but you don't have to do everything.

And I say that, and it's easier said than done.

Because if someone's organized, "Well, we're gonna meet the day before for a lunch," you know, just figure out which ones perhaps you could give a miss to.

Yeah.

I think it's

really interesting.

I was talking to someone yesterday and they said that they were thinking of changing, you know, the college course and people were like, oh no, just finish it now.

Do the degrees, see it out.

But the person hated it.

They absolutely despised it.

And I think that mentality actually isn't good.

What do you think about that? Like, can we learn from our own moments of envy looking at other people?

because it's not like I wake up every morning and I look at him like,

you're beautiful.

Like, you know, and the birds are singing.

It's that you're satisfied that there's the quality in the relationship that you feel connected, that you feel known.

And then there's so many genuine health reasons.

Like it's good for your body, but it's also good for your brain.

Loneliness kills.

hard, isn't