Aug 26, 2026 · 11 min · 7 segments
In this episode, I compared me running two miles to your sex life lol. There are distractions, discomforts, doubts, etc. But when you focus on being present with what you want to experience (over and…
Stephanie GanowskiHostThis is what happens to you when you overthink, right? You get distracted, and you think, "Am I hard enough? Am I going to lose my erection? Am I lasting long enough?" Right? You are turning away, not focusing on being with her anymore, but you're getting in your head, and you're staying in the doubt.
You're looking around, "Is she enjoying this? Am I doing this right?" So your attention leaves the sex experience with her and turns toward your evaluation of your sexual performance.
And in sexology, we call this spectating, which you've probably heard before.
Your anxious thoughts are not-- they're not necessarily performance data, right? Like, you might think you're disappointing her.
You might think something is going wrong, and meanwhile, you could be doing completely fine.
Um, but the solution isn't learning how to never have an anxious thought during sex.
It's, it's never like, oh, if I just get all these doubts out of my head forever, then I'll be good.
No, it's understanding that sometimes your mind might drift and your attention might go somewhere else, and you just have to catch it and bring it back to the present moment, right? Bring it back to the present moment because the more focused you are on the present moment, that's when you're gonna get what you want.
That's when you're gonna win in your eyes, when you are focused on the present, not focused on your anxiety or your doubts or your fears.
You can feel those, and you could feel discomfort too physically, right? But that doesn't mean you don't have to-- you can't bring yourself back to focus on presence and focus on what you really want, which is connection with her, playfulness with her, enjoying yourself, feeling good, sexual pleasure, right? Like those are the things you wanna be present with.
Bring it back to her, her body, her breathing, her responses, your sensations, your breathing, your connection, what you're getting turned on by most.
This is what happens to you when you overthink, right? You get distracted, and you think, "Am I hard enough? Am I going to lose my erection? Am I lasting long enough?" Right? You are turning away, not focusing on being with her anymore, but you're getting in your head, and you're staying in the doubt.
You're looking around, "Is she enjoying this? Am I doing this right?" So your attention leaves the sex experience with her and turns toward your evaluation of your sexual performance.
And in sexology, we call this spectating, which you've probably heard before.
Your anxious thoughts are not-- they're not necessarily performance data, right? Like, you might think you're disappointing her.
You might think something is going wrong, and meanwhile, you could be doing completely fine.
Um, but the solution isn't learning how to never have an anxious thought during sex.
It's, it's never like, oh, if I just get all these doubts out of my head forever, then I'll be good.
No, it's understanding that sometimes your mind might drift and your attention might go somewhere else, and you just have to catch it and bring it back to the present moment, right? Bring it back to the present moment because the more focused you are on the present moment, that's when you're gonna get what you want.
That's when you're gonna win in your eyes, when you are focused on the present, not focused on your anxiety or your doubts or your fears.
You can feel those, and you could feel discomfort too physically, right? But that doesn't mean you don't have to-- you can't bring yourself back to focus on presence and focus on what you really want, which is connection with her, playfulness with her, enjoying yourself, feeling good, sexual pleasure, right? Like those are the things you wanna be present with.
Bring it back to her, her body, her breathing, her responses, your sensations, your breathing, your connection, what you're getting turned on by most.
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