10. Anticipatory Grief

Mourning Someone Who Is Still Alive My mom was diagnosed at 52 and given eight months, so we knew by August she would be gone, and I spent every one of those days grieving her while she was still sitting across from me. She wrote me a journal before she died, and in it she told me I ruined some of her last holidays. This one is personal. I talk about the eight months between my mom's diagnosis in November and the August we were all counting toward, the baby blankets she made for grandchildren she would never meet, and the journals she left for each of us. I read what she wrote to me about the holidays I made miserable, and I have carried that ever since. I also compare it to losing my dad, which happened in a matter of days, and why watching someone disappear slowly was harder for me than the loss that came without warning. My co-host comes at it from the caregiver side, the client she had for a year who cycled on and off hospice, the photos and silly videos she still cherishes, and the families she has walked alongside who all cope in completely different ways. Some children want to be there constantly. Some need distance. Neither is wrong. We get into what it means that caregivers are often the ones present for the last month, picking out the outfit, hearing the music someone wants at their own funeral. I tell the story of my first client, six years with that family, and the tombstone they asked me to choose three weeks in. If you are grieving someone who is still here, this episode exists because we know that is real and we know it is hard. CHAPTERS 0:00 What mourning someone who is still alive means 0:30 My mom's diagnosis at 52 and an eight month countdown 1:14 The journals, the baby blankets, and what she wrote to me 1:55 It is not only terminal diagnoses that start this 2:45 Losing my dad overnight versus watching my mom decline 3:37 How caregivers support a family through that stretch 4:05 A year with one client and the hospice cycle 5:02 There is no right or wrong way to cope 6:41 Six years with one family and picking out the tombstone 7:23 Why we wanted to put words to this KEY TAKEAWAYS Grieving someone before they die is common and it does not mean you love them less or gave up on them. A timeline turns ordinary holidays into last holidays, and that pressure changes how people show up at the table. This is not limited to terminal diagnoses. A dementia diagnosis or a progressive illness can start the same process. Coping looks different in every family. Some people hold it in, some let it out, some need distance, and none of that is a failure. Caregivers are often present for the final stretch, handling comfort, last wishes, and details families are too depleted to face. Take the pictures and the silly videos while you can. They become what you keep. QUOTES "I was watching my mom disappear for eight months." - Lindsay "Everybody has their own way of coping." - Lindsay "We know that you have to go through all of these last holidays and events." - Lindsay "There is no right and wrong." - Caro "As caregivers, we're usually the ones who are there." - Caro If this episode put words to something you are carrying, share it with someone who is in it right now. We are here to educate, have some fun, and answer the questions about the senior arena that are hard to ask anywhere else. #AnticipatoryGrief Website: findinghomecare.net Company: Finding Home Care LLC Listen: Spotify and Apple Podcasts LISTENER QUESTIONS Have you found yourself grieving someone who is still here, and what helped you carry it? If you are a caregiver, what is the moment with a client you still think about?