Dismissive Avoidant Attachment & Counterdependency (Not Codependency)

Is actually usually see the fearful avoidant as the most counter dependent attachment style, contrary to popular expectation, thinking that it's the dismissive avoidant.

So what is counter dependency? Well, you can think of counter dependency as basically being the refusal of attachment or the fear of emotional closeness, and not just, like, on a small scale, to the point where it basically becomes counterproductive, to the point where it actually takes somebody's, like, emotional energy, time, um, or emotional real estate to try to push people away and keep people at bay.

Now, the really interesting thing about counter dependency that's quite unexpected is usually it's actually because of a fear of abandonment.

So this is where it differs a lot, um, from some of the typical dismissive avoidant behavior, although, um, dismissive avoidants generally do have a very unconscious fear of abandonment that's really deeply buried past the, the sort of barriers of the subconscious mind.

Um, but fearful avoidants tend to have the, the most counter dependency, and here's why.

Here's really where it tends to come from.

Counter dependency is less from emotional neglect and more from enmeshment.

It more comes from having a parent or parents that, like, trounce your boundaries, that don't have any respect for your boundaries.

They teach you that love is codependent to a certain degree, but you feel so enmeshed because of some of the pain points that you've experienced, and you feel so overwhelmed and engulfed that your subconscious mind starts to see love as being.

It makes subconscious associations essentially going, "Okay, love is enmeshment.

It's enslavement.

It's me meeting all my parents' needs.

It's me being parentified, overwhelmed.

Um, there's tons of expectations in it.

It's punishing if I don't, you know, meet standards or expectations of me." And they start to build in these really painful associations to love.

Yet, at the same time, they have competing subconscious associations that actually desire attachment.

So they, they have this learning that, okay, love is, um, void of boundaries, and it's really tough, and it's painful.

And they usually spent a period of time in their childhood, people who are counter dependent, um, feeling like their boundaries were completely disrespected.

So as a general rule, the people I see the most are fearful avoidants that are counter dependent.

And really what's happening is they fear abandonment so much that they don't want to get close because they expect that it's going to happen, or they expect that love's going to be painful, and then they're gonna want to leave, and then they're gonna suffer the pain of the disconnection anyways, similarly to how they would feel abandonment.

And so this is where a lot of that need to push away, carve out space comes from.

Is actually usually see the fearful avoidant as the most counter dependent attachment style, contrary to popular expectation, thinking that it's the dismissive avoidant.

So what is counter dependency? Well, you can think of counter dependency as basically being the refusal of attachment or the fear of emotional closeness, and not just, like, on a small scale, to the point where it basically becomes counterproductive, to the point where it actually takes somebody's, like, emotional energy, time, um, or emotional real estate to try to push people away and keep people at bay.

Now, the really interesting thing about counter dependency that's quite unexpected is usually it's actually because of a fear of abandonment.

So this is where it differs a lot, um, from some of the typical dismissive avoidant behavior, although, um, dismissive avoidants generally do have a very unconscious fear of abandonment that's really deeply buried past the, the sort of barriers of the subconscious mind.

Um, but fearful avoidants tend to have the, the most counter dependency, and here's why.

Here's really where it tends to come from.

Counter dependency is less from emotional neglect and more from enmeshment.

It more comes from having a parent or parents that, like, trounce your boundaries, that don't have any respect for your boundaries.

They teach you that love is codependent to a certain degree, but you feel so enmeshed because of some of the pain points that you've experienced, and you feel so overwhelmed and engulfed that your subconscious mind starts to see love as being.

It makes subconscious associations essentially going, "Okay, love is enmeshment.

It's enslavement.

It's me meeting all my parents' needs.

It's me being parentified, overwhelmed.

Um, there's tons of expectations in it.

It's punishing if I don't, you know, meet standards or expectations of me." And they start to build in these really painful associations to love.

Yet, at the same time, they have competing subconscious associations that actually desire attachment.

So they, they have this learning that, okay, love is, um, void of boundaries, and it's really tough, and it's painful.

And they usually spent a period of time in their childhood, people who are counter dependent, um, feeling like their boundaries were completely disrespected.

So as a general rule, the people I see the most are fearful avoidants that are counter dependent.

And really what's happening is they fear abandonment so much that they don't want to get close because they expect that it's going to happen, or they expect that love's going to be painful, and then they're gonna want to leave, and then they're gonna suffer the pain of the disconnection anyways, similarly to how they would feel abandonment.

And so this is where a lot of that need to push away, carve out space comes from.