Consent Is the Dirty Talk: How to Ask for What You Want in Bed - Ep. 40

Marta, I think when people hear the word consent, they immediately think of this like binary yes or no, but there's so much happening in between those two words.

So let's start here and I'm going to ask you, what does it mean to you, the word consent beyond simply saying yes or no?

Yeah, the first thing I was going to say was consent is not just a yes at the door.

Like, I think of consent as... a living conversation that happens throughout an experience.

It's, I'm still in relationship with myself while I'm in an experience with someone else.

And so I can feel what's happening inside of me.

I can respond.

Honestly, I can change my mind and I trust that my truth will be respected and that that will be so even if it's inconvenient or disappointing to the other person, you know? So it's not just like, did I technically agree? It's, Did I feel free to choose? Was I informed about what I was even choosing? Did I feel safe enough to be honest? Did I remain connected to myself throughout it? And was my yes specific to what was actually happening? So that's like the larger answer for me.

Beautiful.

And like what you're talking about really is somatic consent.

And I want to like touch on that.

But before I touch on that, I just want to say that You know, we live in a non-consensual world and I really want that to land.

Yeah.

really fucking important.

And when, not just when it comes to sex, when it comes to everything.

So that's a really important truth to hold because it's not taught on purpose.

And it's one of the biggest crimes I think against humanity, especially women, because for me, consent means at the basic level is permission, like permission to stay connected to your own deepest self.

truth that's in your body and following that truth while i'm also intimately connected with somebody else's truth it's like really highly complex

it's like

uh it's like whoa like is my body giving permission to this is my head saying yes my body's saying no and then what's their body saying what's their verbal like There's a lot going on in that dynamic.

And for me, it starts way before another person even touches me.

It starts with, what does my body say? Very much like what you were saying.

It's like, can I stay with my body long enough to receive the answer? Can I actually hear my body feeling like this is a full body yes? Or can I feel my no? Or can I feel my maybe? Is my body feeling unsure right now? You know, like maybe is an answer too.

And all of this is really deep because it's moment to moment, you know, like, you know, like, you know, like you're like one moment, you're like, wow, this is feels really good right now.

And like what felt good five minutes ago, you could be like, wait a second right now.