Rue could have spent hours agonizing over why she kissed Orion, but it all would have been in vain.
Meaningless hand-wringing.
She knew why.
Despite everything that had happened between them, every fight and lie and barb they had exchanged, Rue liked Orion.
She more than liked her.
She wanted her.
Orion had gotten under her skin and stayed there.
She had spent enough time wondering what was wrong with her for liking Orion and what was wrong with Orion for innumerable reasons, and she knew that she would never find an answer.
Unfortunately, feelings could not be analyzed in the same way that facts could be.
They just existed, and you felt them, and you either did something about it or you didn't.
And this morning, Orion had left her no choice but to do something about it.
It wasn't that she had forgiven Orion entirely, only time would allow that.
It was that the fear of losing her was bigger than the hurt gnawing at her chest.
It was that when she had walked up the beach two days earlier and found Orion sleeping by the dunes, she had suddenly started to cry again.
Not from anger or betrayal this time, but because she had wanted to kneel down next to her and kiss her freckled cheeks, her dark eyelashes, tell her that she was sorry too.
And she had hated herself for that, cursed her heart for being so soft, for not protecting her as she wished it would.
She had gone back out and waded into the warm water, and she had floated for a long time, the waves holding and rocking her gently, her tears mingling with the salt water.
She was angry at Orion, and rightfully so, but she was also angry at herself, and angry at the truth.
She had been set up to fail.
Orion had not ruined her chances of being a keeper.
They'd never existed in the first place.
She thought that all of the work she'd done her whole life had been leading her to this, but it had been a lie, and it had not been the only one.
So much of her life had been made up of lies, from her family, her peers, her government, and now Orion.
She needed to sift through what was real and put the pieces of herself back together.
But she realized that denying her feelings for Orion was only twisting the knife more.
Rue could have spent hours agonizing over why she kissed Orion, but it all would have been in vain.
Meaningless hand-wringing.
She knew why.
Despite everything that had happened between them, every fight and lie and barb they had exchanged, Rue liked Orion.
She more than liked her.
She wanted her.
Orion had gotten under her skin and stayed there.
She had spent enough time wondering what was wrong with her for liking Orion and what was wrong with Orion for innumerable reasons, and she knew that she would never find an answer.
Unfortunately, feelings could not be analyzed in the same way that facts could be.
They just existed, and you felt them, and you either did something about it or you didn't.
And this morning, Orion had left her no choice but to do something about it.
It wasn't that she had forgiven Orion entirely, only time would allow that.
It was that the fear of losing her was bigger than the hurt gnawing at her chest.
It was that when she had walked up the beach two days earlier and found Orion sleeping by the dunes, she had suddenly started to cry again.
Not from anger or betrayal this time, but because she had wanted to kneel down next to her and kiss her freckled cheeks, her dark eyelashes, tell her that she was sorry too.
And she had hated herself for that, cursed her heart for being so soft, for not protecting her as she wished it would.
She had gone back out and waded into the warm water, and she had floated for a long time, the waves holding and rocking her gently, her tears mingling with the salt water.
She was angry at Orion, and rightfully so, but she was also angry at herself, and angry at the truth.
She had been set up to fail.
Orion had not ruined her chances of being a keeper.
They'd never existed in the first place.
She thought that all of the work she'd done her whole life had been leading her to this, but it had been a lie, and it had not been the only one.
So much of her life had been made up of lies, from her family, her peers, her government, and now Orion.
She needed to sift through what was real and put the pieces of herself back together.
But she realized that denying her feelings for Orion was only twisting the knife more.
The rest of this transcript — segmented and speaker-labeled, so you land on the exact moment something was said
Search every transcript — by keyword, by phrase, or by meaning, across every show Radar indexes
Trends — what is surging across podcasts, measured against its own baseline
Alerts — when a name you follow appears in a newly indexed episode
No account is needed to search Radar.