Episode #451 Will Our Policy Promote Divorce?

So, uh, as we move forward as a team on our domestic abuse policy and procedure for the church, I think this is an elder board, uh, we're receiving some pushback from one elder who continues to say, "If we define abuse like this, half of our marriages could qualify for divorce." Now, how do you answer the fear that expanding our understanding beyond physical violence and criminal behavior lowers the bar for unbiblical separation? Okay, I understand.

So, um, we've got a board of pastors, elders, uh, sounds like an elder board, and, um, you've got one concerned elder.

We actually want to respect this brother, um, work when possible, uh, with them.

Uh, the dilemma seems to be, if I'm reading it correctly, uh, that the team wants to establish a definition of abuse that more than likely is using, uh, best practices.

So I'm going to assume that you're adopting terminology like coercive control, uh, emotional abuse, spiritual abuse.

You're categorizing things in such a way that you understand the content and the context of, uh, of the abuse.

Now, I bring it up like that because there...

What we're seeing a lot of, and I'll just use this as an opportunity to, to kind of share what we're seeing culturally right now.

What we're seeing within the church is a pushback, um, on concepts like emotional abuse, spiritual abuse, mental abuse.

Uh, the categories seem vague, subjective, uh, unverifiable to a lot of pastors.

And I think what's happening is we're seeing those categories as, like, standalone categories.

So you've probably heard me say it before, I'll say it again.

I think one of the better ways for us to approach the topic of abuse, especially when educating, uh, and, and thinking through the terminology that we use, is to see abuse from a theological perspective as a demonic distortion of the way God designed relationships.

So there is a...

There is, like, a bizarro world, uh, in abuse, and so oftentimes scripturally when we're trying to understand abuse, it's really its juxtaposition, its opposition to good theology, a theology of love, marriage, respect, right? Those categories are distorted, twisted, um, destroyed in a lot of ways with this faux version, this abuse-driven version.

So, uh, philosophically we would say that abuse is the use of coercion and control, right, to diminish another person or destroy another person.

It's the power over dynamic of somebody using an advantage, a position, a strength to coercively control another.

We see aspects of fear, threat, uh, within that.

So w- we have this understanding that abuse is a larger category of someone using an advantage to harm, diminish, or destroy another, um, coercively, creating a coercively controlling environment.

Now, the descriptors, emotional abuse, spiritual abuse, mental abuse, psychological abuse, those are, from our perspective, ways in which we're describing how the coercive control is being given weight or taking effect.

So when we say spiritual abuse, the key word there is abuse.

Someone is using their power, position, and authority to coercively control another, right? When we say spiritual abuse, what we know is connected to that is the means by which or the context in which abuse is occurring is spiritual.

So, i- it... we very well could be talking about a pastor using his position or authority to sexually coerce, uh, a person, or to bully a person, or to, uh, destroy or demean another person working under them, or, um, as I said, sexually coerce someone into a relationship with them.

There's a level of responsibility that belongs to that pastor, right? That to whom much is given, much is required.

Um, we could also mean the, use the, the content, right? Uh, 'cause it could be a husband threatening his wife with hell, with, um, discipline from God, using scripture a- as a weapon.