Building a Family After Childhood Trauma

Can you describe what it was like growing up in your family?

Sure.

I'm one of, uh, four girls, but it's complicated because my mom had been previously married, so she had a, a daughter, and then married my father, and they had, uh, a very tumultuous relationshipUh, so they had my sister, and then I was born, but by the time I was born, they were separated.

And they divorced, and then my mom got married again.

And then I, uh, I have another sister.

So I have two half-sisters, and I have one full sister, and there's a big space in, in age.

So for example, the oldest one moved out to go to college when I was only eight years old, and then I went away to school when I was 14, and my younger sister was 10.

So there wasn't really a big space of time where we were all in the same house together.

My father, I never really had a relationship with.

There were a few occasions where he would come for visiting, but as my mom would tell me as a child, he would only come to the house to pick up my older sister because he doubted if I was really his child.

Hmm.

So he would come and pick up my sister, and my mom would say, "Close the curtains." So I would hear him leave with her, and I was left behind.

So then I would start, you know, kind of creating this narrative in my head, "Well, maybe my real dad is, like, Robert Redford." [laughs] Because another thing was my sister is my opposite, so she has olive skin and dark hair and brown eyes.

I'm pale, blonde hair, blue-eyed.

So the idea of him coming to pick her up and to leave, I thought there's no other reason that he would do that unless I was not, in fact, his child.

Did your mom ever confirm for you that you were?

She would say, "Unfortunately, he is your father, but he has convinced himself that he has no legal obligation to be a parent.

And so he sends a little bit of money as required by the court, but he seems to only want a relationship with your older sister."

And what do you know about him?

He w- is, uh...

My grandparents had two children, but the other baby died right after birth, so he was raised as an only child, and he's brilliant.

Uh, he was very successful in school until he got to college, and then he went off into the military for a little bit.

And when he came back, he always had cash-based jobs, so like, um, a restaurant or under the table at, like, an accounting office or something like that, which my mom now says in retrospect should have been red flags.

Red flags for what? Nobody in the family knew for sure, but something was clearly off about this guy, and more than just being a deadbeat dad.

Kate would, of course, pepper her mom with questions, looking for clues.