How to Tell Your Partner You're Kinky - Part 1

One of the most important questions I have for you is, why do you want to tell them? What is so important about sharing this information? Do you wanna feel fully known by your partner? Do you want to incorporate this in your sex life? Is it something you need sexually, or are you trying to just introduce a little bit of spice? Would you determine your compatibility with your partner based on their interest in trying your kink? And have you been hiding this for years and just too ashamed to share it and you cannot keep the secret anymore? Or is it something that you're like, "Hey, I think this would be really fun to try, and if you're not interested, no worries"? Or, "Oh, this is super important to me.

I'm sorry I haven't shared this in a long time, but it's come to a point where I absolutely feel it's time to have the conversation." Where do you fall in that list? Disclosing a kink and asking for your partner to participate in that kink are two totally different things.

And I want you to really think before you share it, how important is it for you to have your partner know this about you versus how important it is for you to make sure your partner does this? For example, you might have this idea that you want a threesome, but you're not actually sure you want to have the threesome versus maybe just fantasize and talk about it.

It might be just something you say like, "Hey, this is something I'd really be into one day, but I totally understand if we're not ever gonna do it." Or it might be the, "Hey, do you think we could incorporate this into dirty talk in the bedroom?" With a threesome, you're actually asking for more than just trying a kink.

You're asking to invite somebody else in, and that may not even be something you actually want as much as you want it to be something you play with, even in just your mind in your dirty talk.

It's totally understandable that sometimes you're disclosing something about your sexuality that you don't fully understand yourself.

Maybe it's an interest in trying a specific kink.

Maybe it's an interest in opening your relationship.

It could even be something where you want to try seeing someone of the same sex.

Maybe it's a threesome with another man or woman, depending on what sex you are.

Regardless of any of that, once you identify what it is, I want you to think about where kink falls for you, okay? Is this going to be a fantasy that you like to play around with in your head? Is it something that you're like, "I would like it.

Nice to have, but don't need it"? Something you need to feel fully sexually fulfilled, which we're kind of getting into fetish area there, which as you know is not a b- Bad, evil thing.

A fetish just means you need it to achieve arousal versus a kink being a it's nice to have.

Knowing this before you go in is also gonna help prepare you for what it means if they say no.

Because if it's just a fantasy and they say absolutely not, it gets to stay a fantasy in your head.

If it's a nice to have, you get to understand, like, okay, as much fun as it would be to do that, they're not into it, so it's probably more than likely never gonna happen in this relationship.

However, if for you it's like I absolutely need this to really feel sexually fulfilled and they're a no on it, you have to understand what you're giving up is ever being fully sexually fulfilled because you recognize this is something you need to have, but your partner isn't going to be the person to deliver that.

So it might just be sexually fulfilled with that person and you might need to start opening your relationship up, seeing somebody else, or if you don't want an open relationship, I'm getting ahead of myself here, but you may want to consider being monogamous with a different person.

One of the most difficult things about kink that I find as the kink consultant is as a coach to couples where one person's kinky and the other isn't, the kink matters.

As much as I want all kink to be equal, there's a difference in kinks and disclosing them.

So one person might disclose an interest in spanking, and because of how culturally accepted that is, it's not heavily stigmatized.

It might be like, "Oh, I don't do that," but it's not like, "Oh my gosh, I can't believe you're a weirdo who's into spanking." In fact, it's like, "Oh yeah, I like spanking," but then the question becomes to what extent are you looking for? A 45-minute session or a few spanks before or during sex? Then there are more heavily stigmatized fetishes and interests that a lot of people have quite visceral reactions to, and I've seen it in my own coaching practice.

ABDL, which stands for adult baby diaper lover, cross-dressing, or a lot of different sessions where men want to play a more submissive role and that could include chastity cages or cuckolding where the man is asking the woman to go out and sleep with another man, which can be quite jarring to someone who really values monogamy.

With all of that said, I'm definitely not telling you to hide your kink or fetish just because it falls into that more highly stigmatized category.

I just wanna bring up the fact that as I share this stuff, I am hyper-aware of the fact that the kink you're sharing might be more highly stigmatized, and that does mean you may face more challenges when you're sharing it with a partner.