The honest answer, that particular week, was tired.
It started on Monday when the dishwasher
quit.
Not with a bang.
It just went quiet in the middle of a load, half its work done, and sat there full of soapy water like it had decided it had earned a rest, which was more than Mom felt she was allowed to decide.
So the dishes went back to being done by hand at the sink, which added a good 40 minutes to every day of a week that did not have 40 spare minutes anywhere in it.
And the week went on the way those weeks do.
Somebody needed a poster board at 8 o'clock at night.
The expedition made a sound again.
Anna lost the same shoes twice.
There was a school thing and a church thing and a thing at the church about the school thing.
The laundry, which Mom was fairly sure she had finished on Tuesday, was somehow taller on Wednesday than it had been before she'd started.
Through all of it, Mom kept moving, calm, on the top, the way water is calm on the top.
And she kept telling herself the things she always told herself.
Once I get through this week, once the dishwasher's fixed, once things settle down, then I'll catch my breath.
Then it'll be good.
She had been saying the same version of that, if she was honest, for about 11 years.
Here is the thing about Mom that the children never knew without ever being told.
She was the one who noticed.
She noticed when Allison's shoulders climbed up toward her ears.
She noticed the day Addison changed her fancy bow for a plain one.
She noticed when Anna got quiet, which was how you knew something was truly wrong.
She spent her whole day noticing everybody, catching every small thing before it fell.
It was a kind of love, all that noticing.
It was also, though nobody would ever have dared call it that, a kind of tiredness.
The honest answer, that particular week, was tired.
It started on Monday when the dishwasher
quit.
Not with a bang.
It just went quiet in the middle of a load, half its work done, and sat there full of soapy water like it had decided it had earned a rest, which was more than Mom felt she was allowed to decide.
So the dishes went back to being done by hand at the sink, which added a good 40 minutes to every day of a week that did not have 40 spare minutes anywhere in it.
And the week went on the way those weeks do.
Somebody needed a poster board at 8 o'clock at night.
The expedition made a sound again.
Anna lost the same shoes twice.
There was a school thing and a church thing and a thing at the church about the school thing.
The laundry, which Mom was fairly sure she had finished on Tuesday, was somehow taller on Wednesday than it had been before she'd started.
Through all of it, Mom kept moving, calm, on the top, the way water is calm on the top.
And she kept telling herself the things she always told herself.
Once I get through this week, once the dishwasher's fixed, once things settle down, then I'll catch my breath.
Then it'll be good.
She had been saying the same version of that, if she was honest, for about 11 years.
Here is the thing about Mom that the children never knew without ever being told.
She was the one who noticed.
She noticed when Allison's shoulders climbed up toward her ears.
She noticed the day Addison changed her fancy bow for a plain one.
She noticed when Anna got quiet, which was how you knew something was truly wrong.
She spent her whole day noticing everybody, catching every small thing before it fell.
It was a kind of love, all that noticing.
It was also, though nobody would ever have dared call it that, a kind of tiredness.
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