Hard Conversations That Make Your Team Better

So I root it in this... framework I learned from the Conscious Leadership group called Speaking Inarguably.

Also, nonviolent communication.

A lot of people read that book or know that methodology.

Very similar.

Also, there's a class at Stanford Business School called Touchy Feely or Interpersonal Dynamics.

A lot of the same principles.

So actually, in Touchy Feely, they talk about this idea of staying on your side of the net, which is similar to speaking in arguably.

It's like on your side, imagine you're playing tennis, which I know you like to do.

On your side of the net is everything you know with certainty, right? You know what you observe, what you think, what you feel, what you want.

On the other person's side of the net is what they know and feel and intend and all that.

And so the biggest trap typically, I'll start with the communication broadly and then we'll narrow into feedback specifically.

The biggest trap tends to be crossing the net.

Jesse, you texted me five minutes before the call that you wanted to start 10 minutes late.

You don't care about me.

You don't care about my time.

You don't respect me.

But that would be arguable feedback in which I'm crossing the net and making assumptions about your intentions and your experience and stating them as if they're fact.

So when we share our thoughts, especially thoughts in general, but especially a thought about the other person and what they think and feel and want and don't want and all that, as if they're facts, that's crossing the net.

And that is usually what creates arguments.

Right.

Because now we're arguing about.

Whose story about reality is true or even more like you have to argue about the truth of your intentions or feelings because I've just made a statement about them.

And so that's I guess we're starting with what not to do.

So what not to do and giving feedback.

is state your opinions, thoughts about the other person as if they're facts.