Chapter Eighty-Three: Dust Room

But last week on this healing journey, things were very interesting.

This profound decency and just this, this incredible gentleness on Cornelius's part.

He didn't want me to be in any pain at all.

It really opened up a major buried trauma for me.

Um, I r- I remember last week I said I woke up in a state of dread.

But the healing has been going really well and there are a couple of recurring themes in today's storytelling, and one is this major piece that if I have this lie that I'm not being neglected and I'm not being abused, then I don't have to remember a really awful memory, um, with one of my abusers and just how incredibly cruelly they treated me in a way that was deeply and appallingly irresponsible and would've created a very deep harm in my timeline.

I still contin- I continue to love, I continue to love this thought experiment.

It keeps working miraculously.

So even if it is just a really helpful way to kind of puzzle through trauma, um, and it's really just a thought experiment at the end of the day, it keeps working.

It keeps working and I'm just...

I'm gonna die on this hill.

I'm not g- I'm not just gonna die on this hill.

I'm gonna build a little village on this hill.

There's something in this.

There's something in this.

Our bodies can interact with time and we let go because it's so-- what g- what just got created in us, between us and another life form, is so traumatic we have to stop hearing it and so we start lying, and this is part of why people don't have compassion and conscience anymore because they're just, their brains are just all lies hiding from awful events in their time.

And I continue to think this is absolutely fascinating and I'm really excited to bring it, um, into play just as a, as a magic world-building system.

Um, so very responsibly, just in fiction, but, um, I've said it before and I'll keep saying it, I'm, I'm really excited about it.

I think there's something here and I'm really intrigued.

But that theme is something I have known for a while, that when I'm lying to myself I don't have to feel the fear of time, and so I make reality very two-dimensional and I live in this place where there's no dimension and there's no beauty and there's no exchanging with the universe.

I just live in my mind.

I just live in the lie and I don't feel and there's like a wall between me and the world and I know so many people feel that and understand what I'm talking about when I say that.

There's something in between me and the magic and that feeling alive and it's been amazing to let go of this lie.

It hasn't been easy.

I've been doing it in, you know, little physical therapy bursts a little bit at a time.

But last week on this healing journey, things were very interesting.

This profound decency and just this, this incredible gentleness on Cornelius's part.

He didn't want me to be in any pain at all.

It really opened up a major buried trauma for me.

Um, I r- I remember last week I said I woke up in a state of dread.

But the healing has been going really well and there are a couple of recurring themes in today's storytelling, and one is this major piece that if I have this lie that I'm not being neglected and I'm not being abused, then I don't have to remember a really awful memory, um, with one of my abusers and just how incredibly cruelly they treated me in a way that was deeply and appallingly irresponsible and would've created a very deep harm in my timeline.

I still contin- I continue to love, I continue to love this thought experiment.

It keeps working miraculously.

So even if it is just a really helpful way to kind of puzzle through trauma, um, and it's really just a thought experiment at the end of the day, it keeps working.

It keeps working and I'm just...

I'm gonna die on this hill.

I'm not g- I'm not just gonna die on this hill.

I'm gonna build a little village on this hill.

There's something in this.

There's something in this.

Our bodies can interact with time and we let go because it's so-- what g- what just got created in us, between us and another life form, is so traumatic we have to stop hearing it and so we start lying, and this is part of why people don't have compassion and conscience anymore because they're just, their brains are just all lies hiding from awful events in their time.

And I continue to think this is absolutely fascinating and I'm really excited to bring it, um, into play just as a, as a magic world-building system.

Um, so very responsibly, just in fiction, but, um, I've said it before and I'll keep saying it, I'm, I'm really excited about it.

I think there's something here and I'm really intrigued.

But that theme is something I have known for a while, that when I'm lying to myself I don't have to feel the fear of time, and so I make reality very two-dimensional and I live in this place where there's no dimension and there's no beauty and there's no exchanging with the universe.

I just live in my mind.

I just live in the lie and I don't feel and there's like a wall between me and the world and I know so many people feel that and understand what I'm talking about when I say that.

There's something in between me and the magic and that feeling alive and it's been amazing to let go of this lie.

It hasn't been easy.

I've been doing it in, you know, little physical therapy bursts a little bit at a time.