The Bow Wasn't Big Enough

Now, I've watched a lot of capable women who lead say yes the same way I said yes to that trunk, and what tends to be underneath it is any number of things.

I'll start with they're worried that, or they worry, um, and the worry starts to feel like loyalty.

In other words...

And I've talked about this angle before in a different context and, you know, here it shows up again.

So this is where you tell yourself that if you stop worrying about disappointing someone, it'll feel like you're saying their feelings don't matter.

So the worry keeps running, and it serves as proof that you still care.

That's what you tell yourself, and that's what you're feeling.

Here's another one.

Saying yes feels safer than finding out what happens if you say no.

Most of us have never tested this, which is why, if you're a people pleaser like me, this is why we're people pleasers.

Because we assume the relationship can't survive our honesty, can't survive our directness.

So we tell ourselves we're protecting the relationship by hiding or suppressing what we really think, and we c- answer yes when we should be saying no.

And then here's another one.

Being asked feels like being chosen.

Ooh, I know this one really, really well.

My boss told me there wasn't anyone else she could ask, right? She couldn't imagine anyone else being able to pull a rabbit out of the hat, and that line, that line did more work on me than the trunk itself, as flattery is a very effective delivery system for an unreasonable request.

And underneath all of it, we see how time and again, people pleasers default so quickly to saying yes.

There's often no pause between the ask and the answer, and without that pause, all we're doing is reacting rather than making a thoughtful decision.

If you want to build trusting relationships as a woman who leads, you have to be willing not to people please, and that starts with being able to say no.