They Are Hurting, Not Defiant
Parents often mistake isolation for simple defiance.
Aug 19, 2026 · 42 min · 11 segments
Your teenager barely leaves their room. They're gaming for hours, avoiding school, pushing every button, and every conversation ends in an argument. You've tried consequences. You've tried backing…
Scott SellsGuestTanya JohnsonHostScott, I think what I love about what you're saying, prior to being Oona and Maia's mom, I was a foster mom for five years, and one of the boys had extreme behaviors, big feelings when he was upset or frustrated.
And a lot of the techniques that are often recommended in the literature, the tools don't work for kids with extreme behaviors.
So, you know, when we hear things like validation, you know, yes, but that's not all you can do because he needed so many more other things, and I had that exact feeling that you're talking about right now.
You would try and use these tools that didn't work for what we were actually dealing with, and you often just ended up feeling like a failure.

You've got one camp that's more authoritative parenting, and you've got another camp that's more gentle parenting.

What I believe with extreme problems is you need parenting with love and limits or connection with correction.

For example, if your kid has been really disrespectful for you, with you for a long time, parents say to me, "I love my kid, but I no longer like them anymore." So you have to say, yeah, limits are important, but we've gotta have tools to restore that relationship because rules without relationships lead to rebellion.

And I hope that y- that resonates with parents who are listening to this, that without love and limits, the solution will be temporary.
Scott, I think what I love about what you're saying, prior to being Oona and Maia's mom, I was a foster mom for five years, and one of the boys had extreme behaviors, big feelings when he was upset or frustrated.
And a lot of the techniques that are often recommended in the literature, the tools don't work for kids with extreme behaviors.
So, you know, when we hear things like validation, you know, yes, but that's not all you can do because he needed so many more other things, and I had that exact feeling that you're talking about right now.
You would try and use these tools that didn't work for what we were actually dealing with, and you often just ended up feeling like a failure.

You've got one camp that's more authoritative parenting, and you've got another camp that's more gentle parenting.

What I believe with extreme problems is you need parenting with love and limits or connection with correction.

For example, if your kid has been really disrespectful for you, with you for a long time, parents say to me, "I love my kid, but I no longer like them anymore." So you have to say, yeah, limits are important, but we've gotta have tools to restore that relationship because rules without relationships lead to rebellion.

And I hope that y- that resonates with parents who are listening to this, that without love and limits, the solution will be temporary.
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They Are Hurting, Not Defiant
Parents often mistake isolation for simple defiance.
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