Jul 22, 2026 · 22 min · 16 segments
Are well-meaning parenting phrases doing more harm than good? In this episode of The Child Psych Podcast, child psychologists Tammy Schamuhn and Tania Johnson unpack five common phrases many parents…
Tammy SchamuhnHostTanya JohnsonHostSo I know that we each have a few personal favorites that we're like, "Oh, try not to say this," and sometimes we may say to ourselves and catch ourselves.
Why don't we just pop back and forth? So my first one that always jumps out at me is when adults say to kids, "Say sorry to your sister," which we know intrinsically, first of all, is more about the adult than the child, because no real learning is happening in that.
Kids are either going to say sorry to get out of the situation as quickly as possible or not say sorry because they're being defiant or because there's no real learning that's happened yet.
Nothing really happens in the words "Say sorry" except that I am the adult, and until, often, until you say sorry, there's gonna be a consequence or a punishment.
Yeah, and I think the intention there, for anybody who, I guess it's forcing an apology, but you're, you're trying to teach your child accountability, which makes complete sense.
But the research on the words forced apologies shows that the child who receives the apology, when it is forced, is, it, it's not received very well.
Like, i- in terms of their emotion regulation, whether they've reported that they, they feel better, that they feel comforted by that, it, it's not overly effective.
So now that being said, an apology when is made very sincere, on the other hand, we know that children feel, feel connected, they feel that the situation has been rectified, they feel like a wrong has been made right.
Children who make apologies and the child who re- who are wrong to receive the apology do better socially.
But when it is forced, the same impact isn't there in terms of the child who is receiving the apology.
And so instead, we wanna say to our kids, "How are we gonna make this right?" And that can look so many different ways.
It could be, uh, maybe helping to tidy up the kitchen a little bit and then coming back and going, "Hey, can we talk about what happened?" It can look different for different kids, but really what we're trying to teach is, how do we make it right, particularly within our relationships that are important to us? How do we repair? That is the lesson that's underneath.
And I will say that for many of us, if we've grown up with say sorry, it might jump out of our mouth really quickly.
What am I actually trying to teach here, and how does my child grow?" So that say sorry is a big one for me.
And I think kids often need a little bit of time before they're ready to apologize, and I know with my kids, I actually have to separate them, and then we have to talk about how the other person was impacted and how they felt impacted.
Usually, there's a dance going on here where they're, they feel wronged, and that's maybe why they lashed out.
So I know that we each have a few personal favorites that we're like, "Oh, try not to say this," and sometimes we may say to ourselves and catch ourselves.
Why don't we just pop back and forth? So my first one that always jumps out at me is when adults say to kids, "Say sorry to your sister," which we know intrinsically, first of all, is more about the adult than the child, because no real learning is happening in that.
Kids are either going to say sorry to get out of the situation as quickly as possible or not say sorry because they're being defiant or because there's no real learning that's happened yet.
Nothing really happens in the words "Say sorry" except that I am the adult, and until, often, until you say sorry, there's gonna be a consequence or a punishment.
Yeah, and I think the intention there, for anybody who, I guess it's forcing an apology, but you're, you're trying to teach your child accountability, which makes complete sense.
But the research on the words forced apologies shows that the child who receives the apology, when it is forced, is, it, it's not received very well.
Like, i- in terms of their emotion regulation, whether they've reported that they, they feel better, that they feel comforted by that, it, it's not overly effective.
So now that being said, an apology when is made very sincere, on the other hand, we know that children feel, feel connected, they feel that the situation has been rectified, they feel like a wrong has been made right.
Children who make apologies and the child who re- who are wrong to receive the apology do better socially.
But when it is forced, the same impact isn't there in terms of the child who is receiving the apology.
And so instead, we wanna say to our kids, "How are we gonna make this right?" And that can look so many different ways.
It could be, uh, maybe helping to tidy up the kitchen a little bit and then coming back and going, "Hey, can we talk about what happened?" It can look different for different kids, but really what we're trying to teach is, how do we make it right, particularly within our relationships that are important to us? How do we repair? That is the lesson that's underneath.
And I will say that for many of us, if we've grown up with say sorry, it might jump out of our mouth really quickly.
What am I actually trying to teach here, and how does my child grow?" So that say sorry is a big one for me.
And I think kids often need a little bit of time before they're ready to apologize, and I know with my kids, I actually have to separate them, and then we have to talk about how the other person was impacted and how they felt impacted.
Usually, there's a dance going on here where they're, they feel wronged, and that's maybe why they lashed out.
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3 of 6
Forced Apologies Fail Kids
Why “say sorry” backfires on kids
Drop The "Good Job"
Common praise phrase that limits growth
Power Of Childhood Labels
Old report cards reveal lasting labels
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