What Avoidants Need to Hear So They Don’t Pull Away

Number one is I understand why you needed space.

Now notice what I'm not saying.

I'm not saying, oh, you were right to disappear for three weeks.

You can treat me however you want because you're avoidant.

And I'm certainly not saying you should suppress your own feelings so that your avoidance doesn't become uncomfortable.

What you're communicating is simply, I understand that when you get overwhelmed, your instinct is to create distance.

When an avoidant pulls away, the anxious response is to immediately try to close that distance.

What happened? Are you mad at me? Why aren't you answering? Can we please talk about this? Do you still love me? And from the anxious person's perspective, that makes perfect sense, right? They're trying to restore the connection so they can feel safe again.

But the avoidant is trying to do the exact opposite.

They are creating distance so they can feel safe again.

So now we have two people trying to regulate themselves in completely opposite ways.

One moves closer, the other moves further away.

And the more one chases, the more one runs away.

So you can see how this leads to misunderstandings and breakups.

so when you can communicate i understand why you needed space you interrupt that cycle you're saying i don't have to like the space to understand it i don't have to panic because you need some time and i don't have to chase you in order to feel okay myself that's secure behavior And there's also another reason that this is powerful for an avoidant because avoidants expect their need for space to become a source of conflict eventually.

They've seen it with other relationships.

They expect to be told that they're cold and selfish and emotionally unavailable or that there's something wrong with them.

So when somebody actually understands their need for space without attacking them for it, that creates emotional safety.

Now, understanding someone's need for space doesn't mean that you accept it indefinitely.

You can understand that they need space and still say, well, I need communication and consistency.

So both things can be true.

Secure attachment isn't about choosing their needs over yours.

It's being able to recognize both.