Sep 30, 2026 · 13 min · 9 segments
Want to make your avoidant ex start worrying and become anxious about losing you?In this video, I'll give you specific tricks, along with real client examples, designed to take away the certainty that…
They're avoidant.
Well, we have some new information.
Dr. Amir Levine, and if that name sounds familiar, it's because he co-wrote Attached.
Well, he has a new book called Secure, and I will put the link below.
And one of the most important ideas in the book is that your attachment style isn't fixed.
That's right.
So what does that mean? It means you are not sentenced to being the anxious one while your ex gets to remain the cool detached avoidant forever.
Attachment can be relationship specific.
So you could be anxious in one relationship and secure in another.
And under the right circumstances, someone who's been behaving avoidantly can suddenly become surprisingly anxious.
And that brings me to something I think a lot of anxious people need to hear.
Sometimes your anxiety is actually what's making your avoidant feel so secure.
Think about it.
You're chasing them.
You're initiating contact.
You're trying to fix things.
You're reassuring them.
You're showing them over and over again that you're still there.
So while you're terrified of losing them forever, they're pretty darn sure that you're not going anywhere.
But what happens when you take away that uncertainty? Well, that's when things get interesting.
Now, the first thing that has to change is that you must stop chasing them.
If an avoidant pulls away or breaks up with you and you won't leave them alone, then what incentive do they have to come back if you're not gone? You're still there.
How can they come back if you're still there? None of what I'm about to tell you is ever going to work if you do not stop chasing them and go into no contact.
They're avoidant.
Well, we have some new information.
Dr. Amir Levine, and if that name sounds familiar, it's because he co-wrote Attached.
Well, he has a new book called Secure, and I will put the link below.
And one of the most important ideas in the book is that your attachment style isn't fixed.
That's right.
So what does that mean? It means you are not sentenced to being the anxious one while your ex gets to remain the cool detached avoidant forever.
Attachment can be relationship specific.
So you could be anxious in one relationship and secure in another.
And under the right circumstances, someone who's been behaving avoidantly can suddenly become surprisingly anxious.
And that brings me to something I think a lot of anxious people need to hear.
Sometimes your anxiety is actually what's making your avoidant feel so secure.
Think about it.
You're chasing them.
You're initiating contact.
You're trying to fix things.
You're reassuring them.
You're showing them over and over again that you're still there.
So while you're terrified of losing them forever, they're pretty darn sure that you're not going anywhere.
But what happens when you take away that uncertainty? Well, that's when things get interesting.
Now, the first thing that has to change is that you must stop chasing them.
If an avoidant pulls away or breaks up with you and you won't leave them alone, then what incentive do they have to come back if you're not gone? You're still there.
How can they come back if you're still there? None of what I'm about to tell you is ever going to work if you do not stop chasing them and go into no contact.
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