Sep 3, 2026 · 49 min · 10 segments
Welcome back to part two of our conversation on shame and SEND parenting. If you haven't listened to part one yet, we'd recommend starting there. A quick explainer of the words we use here - SEND is…
It's such a common experience, isn't it, that our kids hold it together in school.
And then the difficulty of that, the pressure of that mounts, they let it out at home.
But the stress of that just accumulates and accumulates and accumulates.
And schools just don't necessarily see it.
They don't obviously know what's going on at home, even if we tell them.
Right.
That's what makes the diagnosis journey so hard as well sometimes, because obviously you need evidence from the school to get, you know, so they don't just take our word for it, obviously.
Why would they? So you need evidence from the school.
And if they don't see that, it's really difficult to get them on board with it and to get them to understand it, which is where, you know, I found logging incidents fascinating.
really helpful so if there was a meltdown when they came in from school we just like wrote a quick note saying this is what happened and then you afterwards obviously not at the time you deal with the situation as it happens and then make a log of it and you build up a really good picture of their profile and how they respond in certain situations and you see patterns but also crucially you can present that back to the school and go this is what's happening you're not just look look at the amount of different incidents that have happened as a result of this and like we know he's got pe on a monday morning so therefore maybe there's a thing there but it's that at least it's surprising when how many of those incidents you end up logging because you sort of forget in the moment um and i found that really helpful to to help the school understand their profile
and see some of the patterns and the things that might be saying that they're just not noticing what about for you lucy does does this kind of issue of parents just not being understood good or kind of worse really being gaslit resonate with you at all so i know that you're kind of looking to educate schools in the work that you're doing now
it's it's really difficult because we had a really,
really tricky experience with school and my other two children still go there.
So as a parent, in terms of like our trauma, because it is traumatic, you know, getting those phone calls from school that your child's struggling or whatever without giving detail.
And you, you know, you feel like, oh my, you know, what's happened, that kind of feeling, the trauma, you know, basically forcing them into school because school want that tick, knowing that something's not quite right.
And yeah, getting to the point where you're saying they need an EHCP and it's like oh no we're not quite there yet and then when finally your child falls apart suddenly oh they need an EHCP and then it's like you know I found that like meetings were never minuted so things were kind of said and then they didn't happen or um the minute like I kind of became quite assertive I'd go to a meeting and there'd be like three members of staff in a meeting and just me sort of as though I was going to kick off, you know, this kind of an inference that you're, you're being difficult, you're being obstructive.
I'm used to people listening to what I suggest, because obviously I've been, I've been like, you know, child protection conferences, all these kinds of things.
And I think it's really hard because you expect that level, but it's like, no, you're just a parent, which is really wrong.
And it's been really good for me professionally to see what it feels like being a parent surrounded by professionals in a meeting.
And I think also it's really hard because you know school are probably doing what they can with the resources that they've got.
And this is by no means like talking down schools because they do an incredible job.
And if you've got a dysregulated child in a class of 30 kids who's potentially, you know, going to get really, you know, really struggle, then it's really difficult to manage.
It's such a common experience, isn't it, that our kids hold it together in school.
And then the difficulty of that, the pressure of that mounts, they let it out at home.
But the stress of that just accumulates and accumulates and accumulates.
And schools just don't necessarily see it.
They don't obviously know what's going on at home, even if we tell them.
Right.
That's what makes the diagnosis journey so hard as well sometimes, because obviously you need evidence from the school to get, you know, so they don't just take our word for it, obviously.
Why would they? So you need evidence from the school.
And if they don't see that, it's really difficult to get them on board with it and to get them to understand it, which is where, you know, I found logging incidents fascinating.
really helpful so if there was a meltdown when they came in from school we just like wrote a quick note saying this is what happened and then you afterwards obviously not at the time you deal with the situation as it happens and then make a log of it and you build up a really good picture of their profile and how they respond in certain situations and you see patterns but also crucially you can present that back to the school and go this is what's happening you're not just look look at the amount of different incidents that have happened as a result of this and like we know he's got pe on a monday morning so therefore maybe there's a thing there but it's that at least it's surprising when how many of those incidents you end up logging because you sort of forget in the moment um and i found that really helpful to to help the school understand their profile
and see some of the patterns and the things that might be saying that they're just not noticing what about for you lucy does does this kind of issue of parents just not being understood good or kind of worse really being gaslit resonate with you at all so i know that you're kind of looking to educate schools in the work that you're doing now
it's it's really difficult because we had a really,
really tricky experience with school and my other two children still go there.
So as a parent, in terms of like our trauma, because it is traumatic, you know, getting those phone calls from school that your child's struggling or whatever without giving detail.
And you, you know, you feel like, oh my, you know, what's happened, that kind of feeling, the trauma, you know, basically forcing them into school because school want that tick, knowing that something's not quite right.
And yeah, getting to the point where you're saying they need an EHCP and it's like oh no we're not quite there yet and then when finally your child falls apart suddenly oh they need an EHCP and then it's like you know I found that like meetings were never minuted so things were kind of said and then they didn't happen or um the minute like I kind of became quite assertive I'd go to a meeting and there'd be like three members of staff in a meeting and just me sort of as though I was going to kick off, you know, this kind of an inference that you're, you're being difficult, you're being obstructive.
I'm used to people listening to what I suggest, because obviously I've been, I've been like, you know, child protection conferences, all these kinds of things.
And I think it's really hard because you expect that level, but it's like, no, you're just a parent, which is really wrong.
And it's been really good for me professionally to see what it feels like being a parent surrounded by professionals in a meeting.
And I think also it's really hard because you know school are probably doing what they can with the resources that they've got.
And this is by no means like talking down schools because they do an incredible job.
And if you've got a dysregulated child in a class of 30 kids who's potentially, you know, going to get really, you know, really struggle, then it's really difficult to manage.
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