Why Narcissists are Never Happy - No Matter What You Do

In healthy relationships, somebody can identify a problem, communicate about it, work toward a solution, and actually experience satisfaction when the problem improves.

But in many narcissistic relationships, resolution is strangely elusive because the complaint itself is usually not actually the real problem.

You believe you're solving what they've asked you to solve, but the moment you do, something else becomes wrong.

Maybe they complained that you worked too much, so you rearrange your schedule.

Now you're around too much.

Maybe they said you weren't affectionate enough, so you become more affectionate.

Now you're needy.

Maybe they told you that you weren't ambitious enough, so you start pursuing your career more seriously.

Now you care more about your job than you care about them.

Maybe they criticized your appearance, so you begin taking better care of yourself.

But now, suddenly, they're jealous because other people might notice you.

You cannot win because you can't win a game where the rules change every time you begin succeeding.

And survivors can spend years trying to apply logic to something that isn't operating according to normal relational logic.

You're thinking, tell me what the problem is and I'll try and fix it.

But if criticism is also functioning to fulfill their need for control, superiority, emotional regulation, or a way of keeping you striving for their approval, fixing the complaint doesn't necessarily fix the dynamic.

The complaint changes, but the structure remains the same.

They are dissatisfied and you are responsible for fixing it.

And over time, you can begin feeling as though you're constantly auditioning for your own relationship.

You're always trying to become the version of yourself that will finally be good enough to receive consistent love, respect, affection, or peace.

One day they want you independent.

The next day, your independence threatens them.

One day they admire your confidence.

Later, that confidence becomes arrogance, and some of the very qualities they initially seemed to love about you eventually become the qualities they criticize.

Your independence was attractive until you exercised it.

Your intelligence was attractive until you questioned them.