The Narcissist's Obsession with Destroying Your Confidence

Now, when I say that, some people might immediately think that sounds extreme.

They may think, "Surely they weren't consciously trying to destroy my confidence." And while every narcissist is a little different, what I can tell you is that one of the most common outcomes of narcissistic abuse is that survivors walk away feeling smaller, weaker, more confused, less confident, and far less connected to themselves than they were before the relationship began, and that is not an accident, because confidence is dangerous to a narcissist.

Self-trust is dangerous to a narcissist.

Um, independence is dangerous to a narcissist.

The more confident you are, the harder you are to manipulate.

The more secure you are, the harder you are to control.

The more connected you are to your own instincts and perceptions, the harder it becomes for someone to convince you that your reality is wrong, and that is exactly why confidence becomes a target.

And one of the biggest misconceptions survivors have is believing the narcissist chose them because they were weak.

In my experience, that is usually not true at all.

In fact, most narcissists are drawn to people who are intelligent, empathetic, uh, successful, attractive, capable, resilient, and very emotionally strong.

They are attracted to qualities they secretly admire and envy.

But what they admire in the beginning often becomes what they resent later, because in the beginning, your confidence serves a purpose.

It makes them look good.

It provides validation.

It becomes part of the image they want to project.

But once the relationship becomes established, something starts to shift.

The very qualities they were attracted to begin threatening them.

Your independence becomes a problem.

Your self-respect becomes a problem.

Your success becomes a problem.

Your confidence becomes a problem.

And that is when survivors begin experiencing the slow erosion of their self-esteem.

But it's not through one dramatic event, but through hundreds or even thousands of seemingly small interactions that slowly chip away at their confidence.

Because obviously, narcissists [laughs] don't walk into your life and announce that they intend to destroy your self-worth.

What they do is far more subtle and unfortunately far more effective.