500. How to Apologize and Mean It?

I have three tips for you, as always.

So the first tip is when you are apologizing, Be specific, be as specific as possible, because a lot of times people generalize.

They don't really want to go into specifics and they just will say, oh, I'm sorry it went that way.

No, really actually go into the detail.

What went not well? I'm sorry, I apologize for the way I did not accept your idea in front of everybody or the way I criticized you.

So really go into...

the facts and the details and the specifics of what you're apologizing for that will really make it sincere and genuine because otherwise it would be more like performative you're just saying it and it doesn't really sound like you mean it so the first one is be specific the second one Don't defend yourself because this is so natural.

Every time that we're apologizing, we do that because we realize that we've done something wrong.

So it's very natural for everybody to start defending ourselves.

We start looking for things that will help us look better.

in front of other people that will show that we are not as guilty.

Because of course we feel guilt, so we want to say something that will help us feel better about ourselves.

So that's why it's so natural, it's just so common.

It happens all the time when people will say, oh, I'm sorry, but I was just stressed.

I'm sorry, I didn't really mean it.

See, this is the thing, is when we say, I didn't mean it, it doesn't matter.

You could say something and not really mean, but if it hurts someone, that's what they're feeling and they have all the right to feel that way.

So if you are apologizing, apologize for your action, but don't apologize and don't then just say that you didn't mean it because then you're making it all about you.

make it about them help them feel that you understand their feelings that they will so that they will feel understood heard and seen and that's the most important thing that's when you'll be able to mend the relationship and everything will be better so this is a very important one make sure that you don't defend yourself don't use the but because as soon as you say but then it's like you're negating everything that you've said before then it's like it doesn't really even matter what you say before your but because then you just you eliminated everything So don't defend yourself.

And then the third one, be as genuine as possible and really mean it.

Don't apologize if you don't mean it.

And people will hear that in the tone.

And a lot of times, if you don't really think that you need to apologize or that maybe you are guilty of something, maybe you did something wrong, if you don't feel that, then don't even say it at all because it's so obvious from the tone of voice.

For example, you could say, well, I'm sorry you feel that way or I'm sorry that you are upset.

I mean, if you're apologizing, if you're saying I am sorry, then you're sorry for your actions, not for the way the person is feeling and you're not putting this blame on them.

I have three tips for you, as always.

So the first tip is when you are apologizing, Be specific, be as specific as possible, because a lot of times people generalize.

They don't really want to go into specifics and they just will say, oh, I'm sorry it went that way.

No, really actually go into the detail.

What went not well? I'm sorry, I apologize for the way I did not accept your idea in front of everybody or the way I criticized you.

So really go into...

the facts and the details and the specifics of what you're apologizing for that will really make it sincere and genuine because otherwise it would be more like performative you're just saying it and it doesn't really sound like you mean it so the first one is be specific the second one Don't defend yourself because this is so natural.

Every time that we're apologizing, we do that because we realize that we've done something wrong.

So it's very natural for everybody to start defending ourselves.

We start looking for things that will help us look better.

in front of other people that will show that we are not as guilty.

Because of course we feel guilt, so we want to say something that will help us feel better about ourselves.

So that's why it's so natural, it's just so common.

It happens all the time when people will say, oh, I'm sorry, but I was just stressed.

I'm sorry, I didn't really mean it.

See, this is the thing, is when we say, I didn't mean it, it doesn't matter.

You could say something and not really mean, but if it hurts someone, that's what they're feeling and they have all the right to feel that way.

So if you are apologizing, apologize for your action, but don't apologize and don't then just say that you didn't mean it because then you're making it all about you.

make it about them help them feel that you understand their feelings that they will so that they will feel understood heard and seen and that's the most important thing that's when you'll be able to mend the relationship and everything will be better so this is a very important one make sure that you don't defend yourself don't use the but because as soon as you say but then it's like you're negating everything that you've said before then it's like it doesn't really even matter what you say before your but because then you just you eliminated everything So don't defend yourself.

And then the third one, be as genuine as possible and really mean it.

Don't apologize if you don't mean it.

And people will hear that in the tone.

And a lot of times, if you don't really think that you need to apologize or that maybe you are guilty of something, maybe you did something wrong, if you don't feel that, then don't even say it at all because it's so obvious from the tone of voice.

For example, you could say, well, I'm sorry you feel that way or I'm sorry that you are upset.

I mean, if you're apologizing, if you're saying I am sorry, then you're sorry for your actions, not for the way the person is feeling and you're not putting this blame on them.