I’ve Given Him Sex #795

And so this is an email that came in from a wife, that she says, "I'm a recovering people pleaser and codependent.

I came into marriage completely oblivious to these struggles, and I was blindsided early on on how hard it was going to be.

We've hung in there for a long time, and I believe it's had everything to do with our commitment to God.

During that time I've given my husband sex on a regular schedule, twice a week, sometimes less.

Sex has been a duty.

He knows that's all it's ever been.

I've done the work.

I've been through a 12 step program.

I've forgiven my past self.

The guilt and the shame are gone, but here's where I'm stuck.

He thinks all our marriage and sex issues are my problem and have always been my problem.

He's waiting for me to make the changes so we can finally have free sex.

How do I recover? How do I get past the guarded sex, the pressure of meeting his needs, the fear of never being enough? How do I get past that pressure too?" This is an all too common, in some ways-

Mm-hmm

...

even sad-

Mm-hmm

... email that's depicting a dynamic that is quite prevalent in marriages.

Maybe not as clear on this subject as we're talking about today and she's emailing, but this is a pretty common occurrence in a lot of ways on a dynamic of I just do the things that I feel are my duty or my obligation or my commitment.

And again, all of those within that nuance matter on how I frame this, [laughs] right? There's a difference between I'm honoring a commitment versus this is my duty.

And, you know, even how I position myself with these wordings matter.

Yeah.

But this is an interesting thing is that she walked in to this situation and then got blindsided.

And instead of leaving she stayed.

That's worth-