Beyond chores: How to teach kids to notice what needs to be done and share the mental load with Sam Kelly

So the origin story basically starts in, like, the summer of twenty twenty-two, and that's when I hit a wall with my husband in terms of the then inequity in our relationship.

Uh, we had been married at that point for twelve years.

We had a ten-year-old, um, an eight-year-old, and a five-year-old, and I just was like, "I can't keep doing this.

I am being completely crushed by the mental load, like, holding everything for everyone twenty-four/seven, um, and there need to be some real changes." So we start having the hard, necessary conversations, and we spend the next year, like, laser-focused on basically having my husband, Chaz, be able to see for himself what needs to be done and not rely on me to point it out or ask him or make him to-do lists or just, like, cruise by a laundry basket because, like, shrug, someone else will do it.

Um, and I just wanna say, side note, the fact that we even have to ever teach an adult man how to do these basic life skills is another symptom of the overall problem, and that we shouldn't have to do that.

Um, but that was my reality.

Mm-hmm.

We made a ton of progress in that year.

So fast-forward, it's June of twenty twenty-three.

It's a Friday night.

I'm making, like, a Saturday morning to-do list for my kids, and I just have this really big light bulb moment where I kind of, like, freeze, and I drop the red magic marker to the ground [laughs] and I'm like, "Hold on.

What am I doing? What am I doing? I just spent the last year of my life teaching an adult man how to not rely on me and my brain to notice everything, anticipate everything, point everything out.

Why am I, however unintentionally, teaching my kids to rely on me and my brain to do all the noticing work for them-

Mm-hmm

... and make a list of what needs to happen, and tell them what needs to happen in order for things to may or may not actually happen, right?" And in that moment, I was like, "I'm not perpetuating this cycle anymore."

Mm-hmm.

"This ends here with me, because kids can learn how to notice just like adults can learn how to notice," and that's when Notice and Do was born.

born.Oh, my God, I love that.

[laughs]

I mean, I have-- I, I wanna get really into the kid stuff-

Yeah

... because I know that the people who are listening are like, "Oh yeah, I have kids that do not notice or do, and I would like to change that."

Mm-hmm.

But I think you bring up a really important, like m-meta problem-

Yeah