Jul 27, 2026 · 28 min · 11 segments
Jess dives deep to help you understand the true causes behind toddler and preschooler tantrums. She explains the brain science behind tantrums, and breaks down the four main reasons they happen…
So as we drove, I started to explain to him the science behind toddler tantrums.
So I explained to him how tantrums are important, and they're important because our kids...
They are not born with the brakes, and basically what that means is they are not born with the tools to understand the emotions that they're feeling, to slow down the emotions that they're feeling, or to, like, make sense of a bigger picture of why this is happening and why maybe the trees being green isn't something that's worth having an hour-long meltdown about, right? And our kids also don't have the language.
They don't have the ability always to express to us what's truly going on, right? They don't have that perspective.
So it might be something, and this is what I was explaining to Scott, it might be something like our daughter is melting down over the grass being green, but in reality, we haven't seen the whole day that's leading up to this moment.
It could've been that she woke up, and we rushed her, and we didn't spend any time with her, and then we got out the door, and then she had a super busy day at daycare, and we didn't see it, but she stubbed her toe, and she didn't know where to turn, and she didn't nap very well, and it was busy, and it was loud, and some third toy that hit her.
And then we pick her up, and now we're rushing to get home, and we're rushing to make dinner, and then we're like, "Ugh, you know what? We should go outside.
We should go outside before it's bedtime." And we get outside, and we take her to the park, and she looks at the grass, and it's just not quite the color she wants, and sh- she finally releases this pent-up emotion that's been bottled up all day long.
And we're asking ourselves, "Why is she crying about the grass being green?" When in reality, we need to be the ones to look at this bigger picture and see it's not about the grass.
It's about holding in these emotions all day, not having the language to say to us yet at, let's say, 18 months or 2 years old, "It's been a tricky day," or, "Yeah, a friend threw a toy at me today," or, "Wow, I could really actually just use some quiet time and a break." They don't know how to say this yet, so the only way they know how to communicate is through releasing these emotions from their body, and they can't control it, and they can't think logically.
So I'm explaining this to my husband, and it's like light bulbs are going off for him.
So as Scott and I were talking, and, you know, over the years, this was about eight years ago now, I've really narrowed it down to four main reasons why these tantrums happen.
And so I wanted to go over them with you today just in case you're like, "Yeah, but holding in the big feelings all day, that doesn't make sense for my child's tantrums in this moment." There's a few different reasons why they happen, so let's break down the four reasons and talk about specific ways to help your child for each reason.
So as we drove, I started to explain to him the science behind toddler tantrums.
So I explained to him how tantrums are important, and they're important because our kids...
They are not born with the brakes, and basically what that means is they are not born with the tools to understand the emotions that they're feeling, to slow down the emotions that they're feeling, or to, like, make sense of a bigger picture of why this is happening and why maybe the trees being green isn't something that's worth having an hour-long meltdown about, right? And our kids also don't have the language.
They don't have the ability always to express to us what's truly going on, right? They don't have that perspective.
So it might be something, and this is what I was explaining to Scott, it might be something like our daughter is melting down over the grass being green, but in reality, we haven't seen the whole day that's leading up to this moment.
It could've been that she woke up, and we rushed her, and we didn't spend any time with her, and then we got out the door, and then she had a super busy day at daycare, and we didn't see it, but she stubbed her toe, and she didn't know where to turn, and she didn't nap very well, and it was busy, and it was loud, and some third toy that hit her.
And then we pick her up, and now we're rushing to get home, and we're rushing to make dinner, and then we're like, "Ugh, you know what? We should go outside.
We should go outside before it's bedtime." And we get outside, and we take her to the park, and she looks at the grass, and it's just not quite the color she wants, and sh- she finally releases this pent-up emotion that's been bottled up all day long.
And we're asking ourselves, "Why is she crying about the grass being green?" When in reality, we need to be the ones to look at this bigger picture and see it's not about the grass.
It's about holding in these emotions all day, not having the language to say to us yet at, let's say, 18 months or 2 years old, "It's been a tricky day," or, "Yeah, a friend threw a toy at me today," or, "Wow, I could really actually just use some quiet time and a break." They don't know how to say this yet, so the only way they know how to communicate is through releasing these emotions from their body, and they can't control it, and they can't think logically.
So I'm explaining this to my husband, and it's like light bulbs are going off for him.
So as Scott and I were talking, and, you know, over the years, this was about eight years ago now, I've really narrowed it down to four main reasons why these tantrums happen.
And so I wanted to go over them with you today just in case you're like, "Yeah, but holding in the big feelings all day, that doesn't make sense for my child's tantrums in this moment." There's a few different reasons why they happen, so let's break down the four reasons and talk about specific ways to help your child for each reason.
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