Overparenting, Emotional Accommodation, Permissiveness, and the Disappearance of Frustration Tolerance

And I wanna kinda to focus on, um, you know, are, are we raising kids who cannot tolerate, tolerate being uncomfortable? And I think there's definitely been a shift in parenting over the last several decades, and the, the, you know, mostly positive.

I think we understand kids better.

We understand attachment better.

Um, I think we understand humiliation, i- intimidation, bullying, emotional neglect, you know, this authoritarian parenting, that all this stuff can, you know, create, um, real psychologically harm or psychological harm.

And I think parents in general, from my perspective, appear to be more emotionally engaged with their kids.

They, they listen more.

Uh, they explain more.

There's a lot more validation.

And I think those are really positive trends, but I, I also think that there's has been an overcorrection of sorts.

Um, I think it's gone from, you know, like, "Well, your feelings don't matter," and, you know, "Boys don't cry," that kind of stuff, to, um, "Your feelings now determine what everyone else must do." That's a big shift, and I think one that can definitely be seen as, as problematic because that's not necessarily, you know, healthy.

So you get a kid who becomes, you know, anxious about school, and so mom or dad lets the kid stay home.

You got a teenager who gets really overwhelmed because they have, you know, say, a paper due or an assignment, and now mom's emailing the teacher demanding an extension.

I can't tell you how many adult individuals I'm getting calls from, you know, their mothers to set up appointments for neuro psych evals.

Um, you know, your kid doesn't make the team, so the parent calls the coach.

Um, a teacher doesn't like... kid doesn't like a teacher, so you wanna change classrooms and, and, a-a-and so on and so forth.

And I think the, the, the intentions are often loving.

You know, parents don't want to see, you know, healthy parents, I think, don't wanna see their child in a s- state of distress.

Um, but I think the psychological lesson may become, "If I feel bad, something outside of me needs to change," instead of, um, "I can feel bad and still be okay." And that distinction, in my opinion, is enormous because, you know, one of the central development, or developmental tasks of, of children is learning, "I can tolerate frustration.

I can tolerate disappointment.

I can tolerate uncertainty.

The world is not going to fall.

I can tolerate boredom.

I can tolerate losing." Um, and I think probably one of the more, most im- important ones is, "I can tolerate anxiety without immediately escaping from, from whatever's making me anxious." And I'm not, you know, focusing on, on, uh...

This is not an argument for, like, harsh parenting.

It's, it's really an argument for something much harder, you know, like, like warmth without, without rescuing and, you know, validation without capitulation and empathy without accommodation and, you know, really support without removing every, every obstacle.