Pocket Dogs Podcast: The Football Edition.
Sep 19, 2026 · 29 min · 11 segments
Are the Chiefs back? Is Derick Henry the best in the game? Which NFL team is the worst? The dumbest decisions in history.
Anyway, let's start week two with the Pittsburgh Steelers at the New England Patriots.
This is the overrated quarterback game with a 62-year-old cranky Aaron Rodgers versus a guy that just threw three interceptions in the fourth quarter.
And my buddy, newlywed but still 50% chance of divorce Carpenter Cole, always calls me when Aaron Rodgers wins because he thinks I want to hear about it.
Not sure why, but he loves that grumpy, self-indulged sociopath with the droopy eyes and the soggy bottom, but for some reason, he still loves watching him play.
Well, old Cole isn't going to like what the stats were from last week, even though Rodgers got the win, because he averaged a league-low 5.5 yards per attempt and completed zero of his nine passes under pressure.
And unfortunately for Toilet Kombucha himself, he faces the Patriots team whose defense generated a league-high 63% pressure rate in Week 1.
One, they also sent bobble-headed Darnold to the IR after an ass injury, which means given his advanced age and the fact that he won't shut up in podcasts about his ex-girlfriends, the Patriots are going to tell Rodgers, Hey, old man River, zip it or I'll break your hip.
Now, the Patriots have a very tough schedule this year.
They will definitely need this victory, but they do have to play this game without their best receiver in A.J. Brown.
You know, the dude that was famous for pretending to read the book Inner Excellence on the sidelines? I say pretended to read because Brown went to Ole Miss and his major was general studies, which means he's more than likely illiterate.
General studies.
I guess art history and communications must have been full.
Anyway,
it will be difficult to throw to Guardian Catboy and Pop Douglas and a plethora of other nones, so they will lean heavily on the run with Ramondre Stevenson.
But the problem with Stevenson is he puts too many balls on the ground.
See, I know you all thought I was going to make some sort of gay joke about his balls right there, didn't you? Well, I didn't.
No, this podcast is way too highbrow for that low-hanging fruit.
Anyway, if Ramondre can't keep his hands securely fastened to his balls and not let other men pounce on them while they're flopping out of his hands, then he will have a big game.
The Steelers have a good defense, so this game will be close at first, but I feel like Cartman, McCarthy, and the rest of the Steelers, they're going to take an L on Sunday with a score of 24-20.
You ever order something from Timu or TikTok Marketplace and your expectations are super high, but when it comes, it's way, way worse than you thought it was going to be? Well, two years ago, I bought my brother a Christmas ornament that was supposed to be of Saquon Barkley jumping over the defender backwards and it looked awesome.
It was supposed to be a figurine, but when I got the ornament in the mail, it was just a photocopied blurry picture that was glued to a piece of plastic tied to a string.
So I just waited and gave it to him on his birthday the next month.
Anyway, that feeling right there is how everyone who watched this supposed number one total defense in the NFL, the Houston Texans, let up 409 yards, allowed 36 points, and not caused one turnover against the Bills.
Anyway, let's start week two with the Pittsburgh Steelers at the New England Patriots.
This is the overrated quarterback game with a 62-year-old cranky Aaron Rodgers versus a guy that just threw three interceptions in the fourth quarter.
And my buddy, newlywed but still 50% chance of divorce Carpenter Cole, always calls me when Aaron Rodgers wins because he thinks I want to hear about it.
Not sure why, but he loves that grumpy, self-indulged sociopath with the droopy eyes and the soggy bottom, but for some reason, he still loves watching him play.
Well, old Cole isn't going to like what the stats were from last week, even though Rodgers got the win, because he averaged a league-low 5.5 yards per attempt and completed zero of his nine passes under pressure.
And unfortunately for Toilet Kombucha himself, he faces the Patriots team whose defense generated a league-high 63% pressure rate in Week 1.
One, they also sent bobble-headed Darnold to the IR after an ass injury, which means given his advanced age and the fact that he won't shut up in podcasts about his ex-girlfriends, the Patriots are going to tell Rodgers, Hey, old man River, zip it or I'll break your hip.
Now, the Patriots have a very tough schedule this year.
They will definitely need this victory, but they do have to play this game without their best receiver in A.J. Brown.
You know, the dude that was famous for pretending to read the book Inner Excellence on the sidelines? I say pretended to read because Brown went to Ole Miss and his major was general studies, which means he's more than likely illiterate.
General studies.
I guess art history and communications must have been full.
Anyway,
it will be difficult to throw to Guardian Catboy and Pop Douglas and a plethora of other nones, so they will lean heavily on the run with Ramondre Stevenson.
But the problem with Stevenson is he puts too many balls on the ground.
See, I know you all thought I was going to make some sort of gay joke about his balls right there, didn't you? Well, I didn't.
No, this podcast is way too highbrow for that low-hanging fruit.
Anyway, if Ramondre can't keep his hands securely fastened to his balls and not let other men pounce on them while they're flopping out of his hands, then he will have a big game.
The Steelers have a good defense, so this game will be close at first, but I feel like Cartman, McCarthy, and the rest of the Steelers, they're going to take an L on Sunday with a score of 24-20.
You ever order something from Timu or TikTok Marketplace and your expectations are super high, but when it comes, it's way, way worse than you thought it was going to be? Well, two years ago, I bought my brother a Christmas ornament that was supposed to be of Saquon Barkley jumping over the defender backwards and it looked awesome.
It was supposed to be a figurine, but when I got the ornament in the mail, it was just a photocopied blurry picture that was glued to a piece of plastic tied to a string.
So I just waited and gave it to him on his birthday the next month.
Anyway, that feeling right there is how everyone who watched this supposed number one total defense in the NFL, the Houston Texans, let up 409 yards, allowed 36 points, and not caused one turnover against the Bills.
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