258. Why Does My Child Keep Pushing Me Away When They Need Me Most?

Why does every conversation with your child seem to turn into a fight? Why do your attempts to help leave both of you feeling worse? When a child or teen experiences emotions that feel overwhelming, their brain naturally searches for relief. Sometimes that relief comes through behaviours that worry the adults who love them most, including self harm or other self destructive coping strategies. Understanding why those behaviours develop changes the way we respond. In this episode, Dr. Caroline is joined by therapist and author Katie K. May to explore why validation is one of the most powerful tools for reducing emotional intensity, why regulating yourself comes before trying to regulate your child, and how everyday interactions can either strengthen connection or increase conflict. You'll learn why emotional validation does not encourage unhealthy behaviour, how to recognise what sits underneath anger and irritability, practical ways to step out of power struggles, and why building connection often starts with simply sharing space together. If you're supporting a young person with anxiety, emotional dysregulation, depression, self harm, or intense emotional reactions, this conversation offers practical strategies you can begin using today. In this episode you'll learn: Why self destructive behaviours often become short term coping strategies How validation lowers emotional intensity Why regulating yourself changes everything How to avoid escalating emotional storms Ways to rebuild connection after conflict What radical acceptance really means for families Practical communication strategies that strengthen trust **About Katie K. May** Katie K. May is a licensed therapist, author, speaker, and group practice owner. She founded Creative Healing, a multi-location teen support center in the Philadelphia area, and wrote the #1 Amazon best-seller You’re On Fire, It’s Fine. Her second book for clinicians, Teen DBT in Practice will be published in July 2026. With lived experience as a teen who turned to self-harm, Katie is one of a select few Board Certified DBT Clinicians in Pennsylvania, the gold standard treatment for self-harm and suicidal behaviors. She equips parents and clinicians with practical, trauma-informed tools to decode behavior as survival and create lasting change.  Website: www.katiekmay.com   Instagram for Parents of Teens: https://www.instagram.com/creative\_healing   Instagram for Therapists: https://www.instagram.com/katiekmay  Linked In: https://www.linkedin.com/in/katiekmay  Tik Tok: https://www.tiktok.com/@katiekmay  Resources: You're on Fire, It's Fine: Effective Strategies for Parenting Teens with Self-Destructive Behaviors https://geni.us/YoureonFireItsFine  **Homework Ideas** ***Build a Stress Meter*** Create your own stress scale from 0 to 10. Ask yourself several times each day: Where am I right now? What do I need before responding? Practise using calming strategies before difficult conversations. ***Validate Before Solving*** For one week, resist the urge to immediately fix your child's emotions. Use statements like: "I can see this is really hard." "That makes sense." "I'm here with you." Notice how the conversation changes. ***Notice and Name Emotions*** When emotions appear, simply label them. Examples: "You seem disappointed." "You look frustrated." "I can see you're angry." Avoid jumping immediately into solutions. ***Spend 15 Minutes Together Without Correcting*** Spend fifteen uninterrupted minutes in the same room. No reminders.  No criticism.  No advice.  No problem solving. Just share space together. ***Practise Your Own Emotional Modelling*** When you're becoming overwhelmed, say it aloud. "I'm feeling frustrated." "I'm going to take a few minutes." "I'll come back when I'm calmer." Your child learns emotional regulation by watching yours. Enjoying the show? Help out by rating this podcast on Apple to help others get access to this information too! apple.co/3ysFijh **Follow Dr. Caroline** YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@dr.carolinebuzanko IG: https://www.instagram.com/dr.carolinebuzanko/ LinkedIn: https://ca.linkedin.com/in/dr-caroline-buzanko Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/DrCarolineBuzanko/ Website: https://drcarolinebuzanko.com/ Resources: https://drcarolinebuzanko.com/resources/articles-child-resilience-well-being-psychology/ Business inquiries: https://korupsychology.ca/contact-us/ Want to **learn more** about helping kids strengthen their emotion regulation skills and problem-solving brains while boosting their confidence, independence, and resilience? Check out my many training opportunities! https://drcarolinebuzanko.com/upcoming-events/