Ep. 125: Why I Tell My Clients Not To Say I'm Sorry

So at this exact moment that I am recording this episode, I just got off of a marriage recovery intensive with a couple.

And this is where I meet with a couple for 90 minutes.

They get a week of voice note support, and then they get another call with me at the end.

And so we just finished our second call together.

And they were like, oh, we just feel like we're so bad at this, right? It feels like in some ways like this will never work for us.

It feels like no matter how much better we want to be, we just still end up being mean to each other or defensive or snappy.

And it just feels like this is never going to work.

And here's what I said to them, because I felt the exact same way that they did when my spouse and I were struggling.

Those mean things that they do and the defensiveness that they have and all of their patterns, these are habits that they don't even have to think about, right? They just happen.

So whenever you're trying to change a habit or a dynamic, even one that isn't working, it's hard.

It takes a lot of work.

It takes a lot of intentional effort.

And you're going to mess up more than you succeed.

But keeping at it, This is what brings the change you want.

This is why support is so important and so necessary.

Because I get to troubleshoot this with them.

So for example, they are trying to work to validate each other first.

Before defensiveness, before like, let me share my side, validate.

They want to demonstrate that they understand and really care about each other before they talk about the plan or what they need or anything else.

And we have been working on ways to disrupt this cycle.

And so we tried a code word and now they're going to try something else, but they're going to figure out what works for them.