How To Be a Desirable Man

The first thing is the idea of infinite availability.

A lot of men lack other social circles, they lack robust friendships, and they think that if I just give unlimited access to myself, to my time, that will make me desirable.

And that actually collapses desire after a period of time.

It might be good for a little while, but eventually, mediocrity, complacency, uh, way too much comfort will start to set in.

You can get bored of that individual, or they'll get bored of you.

A whole bunch of things will happen.

But the real reason why it collapses desirability is that if you are infinitely available, it does something to the perception, especially for women, of you being a desirable man, of you being a man that has something else going on outside of her, that you have a purpose, a mission that you are pursuing, that you have other hobbies and interests outside of the relationship.

And a hint of what makes you desirable here is that if you look at a lot of the, the sort of feminine archetypes of what constitutes a really desirable man, there's always this element of the man being a bit of a monster that she's trying to tame, right? A bit of like a, a, the...

You know, it's like every woman wants the bad boy that's a good guy for her, right? And every guy wants the good girl that's a bad girl for him, right? [chuckles] She's a g- she's a good...

She's a good girl for everybody else, but she's a bad girl for him, and every woman wants the bad guy who's the good guy for her.

And so if you are infinitely available, it collapses this perception that there's something about you that y- that is outside of the relationship, that you have interests, you have passions, you have hobbies, you have parts of yourself that are being satiated and fulfilled outside of the relationship.

The second thing is that your internal state is dependent on how she feels.

So another way of saying this is that you collapse under her upset or disappointment.

You are scared of her emotions.

And this creates a real big power imbalance in a relationship, but it also is very undesirable because for the majority of women, uh, that I've worked with over the years, especially when I work with couples, when we really get down to it, when a man is afraid of his woman's emotions, how she feels on the other side of that is bitter, resentful.

But ultimately, she feels scared because if she feels like she can dominate you with her emotions, that she can conquer you with her emotions, she gets upset, you collapse, you apologize, you immediately ch- you know, j- just like, "You know what? I'm not gonna go out with the guys.

You're right," like, and, and you are constantly, uh, kowtowing to her emotions.

There is this sort of grief and sadness that a lot of women report because they don't feel like you have the ability and the capacity to contend with her emotions.

And for a lot of women, what they'll say and they'll report, and I'm sure the women will let me know this in the comments, is it then feels like her emotions are too much for you.

And she can take on a kind of resentment or frustration because it feels like you're not able to stand up to some of her emotions.

And this doesn't mean that you shouldn't be emotionally intelligent.

It doesn't mean that you don't have the ability to, you know, hear her out and understand how she feels.

I'm talking specifically about you are scared of her emotions.

You're scared of her when she gets angry.

You're scared of her if she's sad.