Pre transition blues
Sep 26, 2026 · 14 min · 8 segments
**Remembering The old days and the anxiety of not transitioning during my pre transition years**
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Sep 26, 2026 · 14 min · 8 segments
**Remembering The old days and the anxiety of not transitioning during my pre transition years**
So, this particular night, um, I was in this group called the FTM Men's Room, and I had started making friends with a couple dudes in the group, and I found out one of the guys had sickle cell.
So I'm talking to him, and he's telling me, "Well, I don't know if you can get on testosterone because they said I couldn't get on it." And I was like, "Word?" This was like 2008.
I had started testosterone 2009.
He was like, "No, man, they, they said I couldn't get on it." I was, I was asking like, "Why? What was the reason?" And he was like, "Well, they told me that it would mess up my blood and it probably was too much of a risk." So I'm thinking m- to myself, "I'm never gonna be able to transition," you know? And then a month later, I'm, um, sitting in my car, and I pop up my flip phone, m- the Motorola Razr.
Y'all remember back in the day, 2008? I'm scrolling, and I found out the dude died.
His name was Jay.
He had sickle cell, and what he didn't tell me was he decided to go on the black market to go get certain things to enhance his masculinity, and he didn't know what he was doing, and he basically end up un-aliving himself because he didn't know exactly what he was taking.
Maybe his blood pressure went up and it made him have a stroke or heart attack.
He wasn't going to the doctor every three months or every six months to get his blood work done or none of that because they, the system had denied him of transitioning medically, basically.
So, I'm just bringing up this story because as I pulled up to this laundromat, all of that old anxiety of me thinking I won't be able to transition because once I go and do the therapy and talk to the psychs, then once they get my blood, they gonna find out I got sickle cell, and they gonna deny me.
And this was the thought in my head for, like, six months straight, and I was like, "Fuck it, let me try." So, I went to a counselor, um, I think it was sometime in April 2009.
So, this particular night, um, I was in this group called the FTM Men's Room, and I had started making friends with a couple dudes in the group, and I found out one of the guys had sickle cell.
So I'm talking to him, and he's telling me, "Well, I don't know if you can get on testosterone because they said I couldn't get on it." And I was like, "Word?" This was like 2008.
I had started testosterone 2009.
He was like, "No, man, they, they said I couldn't get on it." I was, I was asking like, "Why? What was the reason?" And he was like, "Well, they told me that it would mess up my blood and it probably was too much of a risk." So I'm thinking m- to myself, "I'm never gonna be able to transition," you know? And then a month later, I'm, um, sitting in my car, and I pop up my flip phone, m- the Motorola Razr.
Y'all remember back in the day, 2008? I'm scrolling, and I found out the dude died.
His name was Jay.
He had sickle cell, and what he didn't tell me was he decided to go on the black market to go get certain things to enhance his masculinity, and he didn't know what he was doing, and he basically end up un-aliving himself because he didn't know exactly what he was taking.
Maybe his blood pressure went up and it made him have a stroke or heart attack.
He wasn't going to the doctor every three months or every six months to get his blood work done or none of that because they, the system had denied him of transitioning medically, basically.
So, I'm just bringing up this story because as I pulled up to this laundromat, all of that old anxiety of me thinking I won't be able to transition because once I go and do the therapy and talk to the psychs, then once they get my blood, they gonna find out I got sickle cell, and they gonna deny me.
And this was the thought in my head for, like, six months straight, and I was like, "Fuck it, let me try." So, I went to a counselor, um, I think it was sometime in April 2009.
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