SEXOLOGIST REVEALS ALL: Why Women Lose Libido in Relationships? How to Heal From TRAUMA? | Chantelle Otten

Um, you know, it's so common.

I don't know if anyone's read Esther Perel's book Mating in Captivity, but this is a really good book to read, um, especially on like desire in long-term relationships.

And then, um, Aaliyah and I were also talking about the book, Why Men Love Bitches.

Um, Aaliyah hasn't read it yet, but she's gonna read it.

Yes.

I think she knows all the tricks.

I don't think she needs it.

I think that, you know, desire drops when one partner, often the woman, um, is looking after or, or feeling emotionally responsible for the other because you're then regulating that other person's like sense of self, their feelings, their stability, their s- you know, you-- when you r- when you move into the role of like a caretaker, then you're kind of moving into like the mom role, right? And you're not-- you didn't sign up for this to be someone's mom.

Like you are not here to emotionally manage your partner.

The nervous system can no longer then experience the relationship as a place of like a mutual adult-to-adult connection.

It starts to feel more like a responsibility.

And erotic desire-- so eroticism is like where you go with your brain when it comes to sex and like, um, it's like the story that you tell yourself.

It's the fantasy, it's the novelty.

But erotic desire, it thrives on polarity, so difference, but also choice.

And when a woman feels like she has to hold her partner, um, emotionally and anticipate his moods and soothe his distress or manage his emotional world, and it's not like in a mutual way where it's like to and fro, which is normal in a relationship, but it's more one way, um, then you s- you subtly shift from being like a partner to a carer.

And I don't know about you, but being someone's carer, it's not hot.

Like that's not, you know, that's not what you sign up for.

Of course, if you're in a long-term relationship and your partner gets, you know, sick or unwell, it's a totally different story.

But erotic desire does struggle in those moments as well, um, let's be very clear.

The body does not really know how to-erotically attuned to someone that it's caring for, you know? It makes it, like, a little bit more of a chore, um, because if you're being cared for, right, if you switch it, if you're being cared for, you're being attuned to, someone understands what you need, you know, they take some responsibilities off your plate, you get some beautiful gifts, maybe you get some "I thought of you" text messages, um, you get some...

You feel safe, you feel trusting, um, y- you're able to then lean into that relationship a lot more.

If it's on the other hand, and you feel a responsibility to caretake for someone, and monitor their emotional state, and manage conflict carefully, and carry the emotional load of the relationship, and feel responsible for your partner's happiness and sexual confidence and self-worth, which is often what is projected onto women, then o- over time, sex just feels like another form of emotional labor, and that is when desire plummets.

Because it becomes a space where you're meeting that person's need and trying to reassure them all the time or stabilize the relationship.

So it needs to be more balanced, and each partner needs to take ownership of how they're feeling, and the woman should feel like she's a goddess, and she's cared for, and that she doesn't need to always be, like, on guard, you know, waiting to see how their partner's feeling.

Like, is he in a good mood or a bad mood? Can he just tell me? You know, intimacy then becomes a choice again, not a duty or a repair strategy.