Nice Guys Are Not Good Men And Women Are Paying For It

Yeah.

And the disconnection, do you think that because the role of men within the household and within the family has changed, actually very quickly, and that they're not the sole provider and they're being asked to show up in such a different way at home, like to help more with the kids, to...

I don't know if it's an ego thing as well, that the women are bringing in money and some women are bringing in more money.

Do you think that has been a catalyst to men feeling disconnected and quite lost?

100 100 like so many of the men their only operating mechanism is to be the breadwinner provider and then everything else is left to the woman that's their model of of masculine and feminine that's the model of relationship they have so then all of a sudden they meet this successful powerful woman and they just don't know how to treat her to behave alongside her to be in relationship with her so then what happens is there comes this power dynamic struggle and so and this is you know i can speak to my own relationship is that this is what me and poppy had like poppy and i both very very entrepreneurial and for a big part of our relationship we were vying for the almost like the masculine seat and uh it's been it's been a journey it's just been a real journey but what i'm seeing more and more which is really great i've got you know two or three men's groups i'm part of in different capacities is nearly all of those men are the major parts of their children's lives they are such big parts of their children's lives they take fatherhood so seriously so it's not just provider, protector, it's father and a big part of like, you know, even my house, I do all of the cleaning and tidying and I look after the house and it's the dynamic of like in my previous relationship, that's so different.

so i've had to i've had to change so much as a man in this current relationship and it's and i think what happens is sometimes men just try and hold on to their old frames taught to them by their father or by the media or culture and i think this is shifting and this is what's creating that lack of certainty about what it means to be a man

Yeah.

And I think you're quite unique with that.

I think there's so many people who, you know, the woman is still working or even if not working as much, but the majority is earning as much money.

But the man isn't doing as much with the kids.

And I do think that that is like it feels like it's a bit of an outlier.

What the way you're showing up in terms of.

50-50 with the children around the house.

And it's hard because as a woman who wants to be looked after by a man, but then is earning and still doing so much, what can she do to allow the man to still feel important when she doesn't need him financially she's doing most of the work around the house and he's still operating from an outdated system of wanting to come home and

yeah

you know be looked after and

Gosh.

Connected to.

Yeah, it was interesting.

I was like, when we were talking about this, I really dived into what causes that problem.

I think one of the biggest issues I saw in a lot of the men that we worked with was that they were still running boyhood patterns.

So they wanted to, they'd almost made their wife their mother.

and that caused so many problems in their relationship so their wife not only looked after them she organized things she took care of them and then they would behave like a young boy and that to a degree ever looked at my first marriage that was exactly what i did i was a workaholic i came home and i expected everything to be done and expected i wasn't negatively expecting like that it was just like i thought that was the agreement we had And what I think has changed is that I hadn't really gone through initiation to become a man.

I was a boy in a man's body.

I really hadn't grown up.