Episode 72 - A Long-Form Special: When Life Throws a Curveball: Parenting Through Trauma, Loss and Uncertainty with Dr Rebecca Chilvers and Dr David Trickey

And that's kind of The thing we're talking about, I wonder if I could just read this quote from Andrew Solomon.

Actually, it feels relevant now and then we can get into the discussion.

Andrew Solomon wrote this incredible book called Far From the Tree, which is a book that talks about parenting the unexpected child, essentially.

And here's what he says.

And the more alien the stranger, the stronger the whiff of negativity.

So in some senses, it's always true that we're parenting a stranger.

We don't know what we're getting.

But I think what we're talking about today is really exceptional circumstances where the child that you have something very different is happening to them.

So I wonder if we could maybe start talking about what you've learned in the work that you've done about how parents cope with this situation.

What have you seen? Yeah.

I mean, it's such a broad question.

And I think there's something really, there's so many layers to that.

I think one of the really interesting things is you could almost broadly divide people in a very broad sense into two categories that people who have had a life full of curveballs so far.

and almost anticipate difficulty and have had to adapt and cope with adversity and identity that's changing.

And those, well, they haven't, you know, and actually I think one of the ways that that can change is the meaning that people make from things that happen.

So I think there's very much a sense of seeing that pattern.

I don't know if you see the same, David, but, you know, coping with a situation it's it's everything that's about that person that's happened before you know um what their background is what their meaning is what their values are it all comes into the into the mix so i think that for me is one of the the biggest challenges and actually trying to understand what does this mean for you in the context of who you are Both as an individual, but also as a parent, because I think it's really, it's really interesting.

There's something that sort of happens when you become a parent and that sense of identity of your child.

We base largely the identity of our unborn child on our own aspirations and sort of project our own self onto that child.

And there is a process of degeneration.

from our child as they grow into their own self.

So there's so many layers and I think unpacking all those layers helps us to understand how it impacts fundamentally.

Absolutely.

I think what you said about the meaning is really crucial.

And unpacking is a really helpful word because it's not something you can do a quick questionnaire and you understand what that event or that person means.