Vintage era – 731: Tuesday’s Temporarily Daily Christmas Show

once upon a time there was a dog stories walk into a bar One of the unfinished once upon a time there was a dog stories go straight up to the bar counter and says hello can I have a pint of your finest Guinness please and the man behind the bar says yes but what happened to the dog and the unfinished the unfinished once upon a time there was a dog story says I've no idea sir I'm afraid unfortunately I'm unfinished and like oh it's a handicap I have of mine basically it's like having It's like being missing a limb.

I'm an unfinished story and I'll never know.

Just like us all, though.

It's a metaphor for everybody.

You're an unfinished story until you die.

Then your story's over, but you never get to read it.

So, there are advantages to not being finished.

I don't want to be a finished story.

Do you want to be a finished story? And the barman says, I suppose now that you put it that way, that's a bit fucking depressing.

A bit fucking depressing idea.

and the unfinished once upon a time there was a dog story says indeed it is indeed it is and you know what's even more depressing i've just realized that the phrase once upon a time there was there was a dog could in itself be the start and the end of the story there could be no more to it just like you see sometimes poets poets will sometimes write a one one or two liner and that could be the end of it you know you don't get verse after verse so maybe this story is finished after all in which case i'm probably dead now am i or maybe does that make sense it probably doesn't i don't know i'm not even a dog i'm just a i'm just a story about a dog so i don't really have much cognitive function to think about this is that what you call a cognitive function and the barman says i don't call it anything i don't have any I don't have much cause for talking about that stuff in here.

I suppose if I ever need to, I might call it that.

I don't know.

I don't know.

What is cognitive function? There's a question for you.

And the story says, oh, I'm sorry, I can't answer questions.

I'm like a computer program.

I can only tell you stuff that's in the story that exists.

And the man behind the bar says, fair enough, fair enough.

But how are you able to have this conversation then? And how do you plan to drink a pint of Guinness? And the dog story says, I don't know.

I hadn't really thought it through.

But maybe we'll have a go and see if it works.

What's it matter to you as long as I pay you? And the man behind the bar says, well, you won't have any money until you're finished and published, surely.

And, oh, what's his name, says, no, that's not true.

That's not true.