Episode 217: Beyond the Surface: Better Conversations with Kim Best (Part 2)

Well, the universe likes me, because the very first card is number one, disagreement isn't opposition, and you just answered number one.

So good, now I know.

Separate the person.

Now this, to you, Kim, might seem very basic, but it's just been my experience, people get so deer in the headlights with conflict that even what you just went over, that disagreement is not opposition, they just slam into the wall, and they...

Some are aggressive in their defense, but most that I'm seeing just withdraw.

And so a term that I didn't see on the cards, maybe it's just my memory, but I ran into this the other day and it was a very beneficial conversation.

The concept, and it's t- sort of turned into a buzz phrase, false harmony, and I was talking to somebody who just said, "Well, I find it so much easier if I just keep my opinions to myself." And I said, "Is that healthy?" And she s- and almost in a, "How's that gonna work for you?" And it was, she'd been raised in a very emotionally challenging situation, and at age 70 still continues with the just keeping it to herself and not saying what she really feels, even though there's none of the danger that she had growing up.

So as a seasoned mediator, how would you, what was your opinions on false harmony?

Well, first of all, um, my, my heart kind of hurts for her, and she needs to know she's not alone, because most of us do that, and it is why I say that we usually don't have people problems, we have skill set problems.

Um, and, and I think about how lonely it is to be inside yourself with opinions that you feel like you can't share because they're not safe enough to do that.

However, most people, like you said, are conflict avoidant, and I think that's, uh, I hear the same thing a, a lot, like, "Oh, I just don't say anything." And your question, what does that cost you, is a great question.

I think it keeps real intimacy from happening.

Well, first of all, I think if you want someone to share, the condition has to be right for them to be able to share.

Mm.

But who among us have been able to have that before without, without having to defend it or judgment or all the things we learned about managing conflict before? I think it is possible to relearn.

I did.

I mean, I was over 50 when I went back to graduate school.

I learned a whole bunch of things that was like, whoa, I had no idea all these wonderful tools existed.

Um, I think it's being willing to do that and, and see the difference.

Like, you do it as a coach, I'm sure.

I do it.

What, it's like opening a door to people when you can help them have the conversation that is real versus the one that is safe, and that's where true potential lies.

So for this person, if you were working with her as a coach, what would you encourage her to do as next steps?

Ooh, before I got to that, I think I would want to know more about what price she felt she might pay, and I use the language the story I'm telling myself.

So what story is she telling herself around what will happen if she does say that? And then, you know, reality testing.