224: Imposter Syndrome After Infidelity

And I think, for sure, betrayal, because when we've experienced betrayal, you start thinking things like, "Maybe I wasn't enough.

Maybe they were prettier, smarter, sexier, more fun than me." Especially for those of you that have seen the other woman or other man, that becomes even harder for our brains.

We definitely go into this.

Maybe we think our spouse was happier with them, and oftentimes our spouse tells us these things.

So no wonder we believe them.

But I just wanna challenge you.

You don't have to believe what they say because remember, they were lying.

You think things like, "How did I not know this was happening? How can I trust myself when I missed something that was big? Who am I if my marriage isn't what I thought it was?" Betrayal doesn't just make you question your spouse, it can make you question yourself, and suddenly you can feel like an imposter in your marriage, your family, your body, and sometimes your entire life.

So if you can relate to this, this episode is for you.

So what is imposter syndrome? It is the feeling that somehow you're not as capable, worthy, or deserving as other people think you are or as you should be.

So sometimes people give us compliments, like I've had this experience, like, "Oh, wow, you must be so successful." And in my mind I'm thinking, "Wow, I wonder why they think I'm so successful." And maybe my definition of success is different than theirs, and so then I'm like, "Ugh, what...

You know, I don't think I am as successful as they think I am." And so then I feel like a fraud.

Or people...

I had this happen all the time.

"Oh, my gosh, you're married to the most amazing guy, and you guys have such an amazing life and amazing, amazing marriage." And yeah, and they didn't know the part that was really hard, that was really painful.

They didn't know the whole truth.

And so sometimes that can be so painful because we th- we then feel like we've done something wrong, we're a fraud.

Something's gone wrong, right? We think things like, "Maybe I wasn't actually a good spouse." Our brain, our survival brain is trying to protect us, and so then we're trying to think, "Okay, maybe it was us, it wasn't them.

Maybe our whole marriage was fake.

Maybe everyone else knew something that I didn't.

Maybe the affair partner has something I don't.

Maybe I wasn't lovable enough." This week I bumped into someone that used to work at the office where my s- former spouse used to work, and she was talking to me, and she said something to me that made me think, "Did they all know this whole entire time and no one told me?" I, I just started questioning that, and I thought, "Okay, well, this is irrelevant now because I'm divorced." But I thought, "How sad." Like, I felt like in a way, like, wow, they were holding that secret and now somehow she could tell me like, "Oh, we knew." And I'm thinking, "Okay, that was hurtful [laughs] because you didn't tell me that when I was married to the guy." Anyways, so all these questions can happen.

Whether you're married or divorced, your brain can go into this wondering, "What did I get wrong?" I think feeling insecure isn't proof that you're inadequate.

Sometimes we think, well, um, we need to be confident in all things, but that's not true.

That's, that's just a lie your brain's telling you.