222: Your Family System May Be Driving Your Marriage Patterns

And I think it could really start making you aware of, oh, I see why I'm this way, okay? Many of us believe our struggles started the day we discovered the affair, but they didn't.

That day simply exposed patterns that had been living inside us for years, right? Terry Real teaches that every family has a system.

Every family has spoken and unspoken rules.

Children learn how to survive inside that system.

The problem is, the role that protected you as a child may be hurting your relationships as an adult.

So I really want you to be curious, okay? This isn't about blaming your parents.

Most parents were simply doing the best they could with what they knew.

This is about awareness, because awareness is the first step towards healing, which I just mentioned, but I wanna say that again, because it's so true.

And I think, for me, I was raised by boomer parents, and I think they did their best, right? But they didn't even have the internet.

They had encyclopedias probably, right? Like, I remember buying a set of encyclopedias.

If you had a set of encyclopedias, that was a big deal.

And so that's where they got their information, or maybe some TV shows.

I don't know.

But there just weren't a lot of resources out there, and I think some of the books they had were, nowadays would be considered, like, really bad.

And so they were doing our best, just like you and I are doing our best raising our own children.

But I do believe when we know more, we can do better.

And for me, I really feel a responsibility.

I want to change the dynamics of what I learned that wasn't maybe great, so I can be better for my own children and for my future grandchildren, right? So I'm gonna explain the family systems.

So children don't choose these roles, right? We do as parents, and parents really suck sometimes.

I know.

I mean, none of us are perfect, and we're all just trying our best.

So look at this from a lot of compassion.

So every child asks one question, "What do I have to become to belong here?" And I think we don't do this consciously, right? So there are some kids, and you can think of your own family, "I have to be perfect.

I have to disappear.

I have to make everyone laugh.