220: The Five Losing Strategies that Will Hurt Your Relationships

So the first losing strategy is being right.

Does this sound familiar? One of the biggest losing strategies that I see all the time in my clients, and myself sometimes, is the need to be right.

Now, let's be honest.

If you've been betrayed, you probably are right about many things.

Your spouse lied to you.

They cheated.

They broke trust.

But here's the question I want you to ask yourself.

Is proving you're right helping you heal? And I'm gonna challenge you, it's probably not helping you.

It might be hurting you and holding you back.

Many couples get trapped in courtrooms instead of conversations.

It's like they're [laughs] bringing the proof, right? And we're gonna have a debate about it.

Who's more right than the other person? They spend years arguing.

You always.

You never.

If you would just admit instead of asking, "What do I need right now?" Or, "What would actually help us reconnect?" So recognize any time you're using you never or you always, it's not gonna get [laughs] you anywhere, right? Because we never always or never do things.

We sometimes.

We oftentimes.

We sometimes forget we're human, remember? We're not perfect.

So here's a example I wanna give you.

Imagine your spouse forgot to text you when they were running late.

Instead of saying, "I got scared when I didn't hear from you," you say, "See? This is exactly what you always do." Now you're arguing about whether they always do it instead of talking about how you have a lot of fear in their being late, right? Being right feels powerful, but connection is actually more powerful.

So really start listening to how you're communicating, how you're speaking.

I would do a check-in, right? What am I really feeling? What do I really want to say to my spouse? And decide, is this worth the fight, right? Instead of asking who's right, ask, "What would help us reconnect?" And I really love the thought, and I share it often with my clients, is what if you're both right and you're both wrong about any given [laughs] situation? Because we all have a different perspective.

We all have a different idea.